Tag Archives: swine flu

Top Ten Little-Known Symptoms of the Swine Flu (An exercise in futility)

swine-flu-mask

H1N1 Flu, formerly known as the “Swine Flu” formerly known as “Squealer’s Revenge” formerly known as “The Plague” formerly known as “Prince,” has reared its ugly head from the muck to help distract Americans, at least temporarily, from the economic crisis and Lindsey Lohan’s latest exploits. Speaking of the latter, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) have documented more cases of diseases linked to Lohan than the origins of the latest strand of swine flu.

Nonetheless, the swine flu has been the butt of many jokes as of late, and it’s only a matter of time before the CDC declares a national emergency and quarantines swine-flu jokes before they spread any further.

Until then, free-range swine flu jokes will continue to roam aimlessly, rearing their heads across the comedic spectrum and popping up online and on late-night talk shows, which are not immune to the epidemic. Such is the case with this week’s edition of David Letterman’s “Late Show” Online Top Ten Contest.

Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility. That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This Week’s Topic: Top Ten Little-Known Symptoms of the Swine Flu

10. Facebook profile has been quarantined by Centers for Disease Control

9. Miss Piggy-induced nocturnal emissions

8. Brash cravings of filleted Rush Limbaugh (your choice of side: Oxycontin or hydrocodone)

7. Family doctor puts you on low-media diet without telling you why

6. Every time you play Pass the Pigs you roll “Making Bacon”

"Making Bacon!":  Got Swine Flu?

"Making Bacon!": Got Swine Flu?

5. Occasional hypochondriac irregularities

4. Development of unhealthy relationship with Porky Pig action figure

3. Cold Cut Sweats that make skin break out into Bacon Bits

2. Centers for Disease Control starts following you on Twitter

1. Sudden impulse to write SPAM Haikus filled with tasty swine-flu allusions:

Sacred sweaty meat
Released from its tin captor:
Harbinger of death

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

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Swine Flu: What’s in a Name?

"Read my lips (which one day become hotdog ingredinets): I am not to blame for the swine flu."

"Read my lips (which one day become hotdog ingredinets): I am not to blame for the swine flu."

What’s in a name? That which we call the Swine Flu
By any other name would still kill you.

Nonetheless, the latest global epidemic has the name-calling communities in a mudslinging stir, especially the swine aficionados and pork producers, who feel the deadly influenza uprising will systematically slaughter the pig trade.

Having been bred and raised in Iowa, a leading pork-producing state, I can see how the unsolicited branding of the swine flu could breed misconceptions, fear, paranoia, and hatred in the pigheaded global community, in particular anti-swine extremists who have already declared a jihad on Porky Pig – America’s most beloved stuttering swine: “Th-th-that’s all folks!”

Clearly these folks aren’t pop-culturally learned, for if they had seen the 1985 film “Porky’s Revenge,” they would know that ol’ Porky Wallace (see pic) is a big force (pun intended) to be reckoned with, especially if your name is Meat.

Porky Wallace:  Oh, I got your jihad right here...

Porky Wallace: "Oh, I got your jihad right here..."

Moreover, some religious sects are up in hooves over the name (and bad puns) over the swine flu. Israel Deputy Health Minister Yakov Litzman said the reference to pigs is offensive to Muslim and Jewish sensitivities to pork and suggested we should call it the “Mexican flu.” Even though the latest strand of swine flu allegedly began in Mexico, I don’t imagine that Mexicans will take too kindly to this name change.

I imagine there’s one sect of the global population that is quite pleased with the swine flu name: the pigs. I wouldn’t be surprised if the pigs, stealing a chapter from George Orwell’s cautionary tale “Animal Farm,” are the ones behind fanning the anti-swine propaganda with an updated slogan:

“Four legs deadly, two legs better watch the fuck out.”

(This slogan was sponsored by the International Swine Workers Union to commiserate this year’s International Workers’ Day (May 1).)

"Pig Brother is Watching You!"

"Pig Brother is Watching You, Imperialist Humans!"

I suspect these pissed-off pigs are still bitter when the Communists’ and Socialists’ propaganda machines butchered their name by attaching it to western capitalists: Imperialist Pigs

In an attempt to ease fears in the global swine community, which has already lined up to ban pork imports from the United States and Mexico, the U.S. Department of Agriculture, led by our former governor Tom Vilsack, announced that the swine flu is no longer the “swine flu,” rather “H1N1 flu.” Yeah right, I’m sure that name is going to stick and bleed like a stuck pig into American discourse.

Worse than HINI flu, the European Union announced yesterday that they will now call the new virus “Novel Flu Virus,” which I guarantee will be shortened by the media to the “Novel Flu.” I realize novel means “new” but as a high school English teacher, the prospect of attaching novel to a deadly virus in mind boggling. While pushing novels on to unsuspecting young readers over the last eight years, I’ve had a hard enough time closing the deal, when students contend: “Why should I read? Our president doesn’t read and he got elected not once, but twice.”

My only defense to this anecdotal evidence: “True, but he was elected by an electorate that doesn’t read regularly, and now look where that has landed us.”

If health officials were smart, they would revamp their flu epidemic marketing strategy and change the name by replacing swine with something they want people to fear, hate and/or avoid like the plague.

Here are some suggested swine substitutions, compliments of Say Something Funny:

Deep-Fat Fried Flu

Hollywood Sequels Flu II

Rush Limbaugh Flu (although, given the literal girth of this influenza strand, it’s completely unavoidable)

One Flu Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Corporate Farm Flu

American Idle Flu

Poo –Too-Tweet Flu (or Twitter Flu)

Any Movies Starring Keanu Reeves Flu

Dick Cheney Flu (or Dick Jokes Flu)

That’s What She Said Flu