Tag Archives: sticking it to The Man

Top Ten Charlie Sheen Tweets

Since I vowed to give Charlie Sheen up for Lent, I was disappointed in this week’s topic for David Letterman’s “Late Show” Online Top Ten Contest. I know that times have been tough for the embattled former “Two-and-a-Half Men” actor, whose off-camera antics have put Qaddafi and Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker on the media’s back burners, where Lindsay Lohan is simmering as she prepares herself for a reprisal of the “Caged Heat” B-movie series.

Upon entering the Estranged Actor Relocation Program, Charlie Sheen wasn’t going to delve into oblivion alone, and like Qaddafi (who is reported to fill Sheen’s shoes on “Two and a Half Men” as part of his agreement to step down) vowed to take as many followers down with him via twitter, hoping to smash the world record for followers lured in to Twitter lair in the fastest time possible. He had nearly 2.5 million Followers upon publication of this post.

Now, like Charlie, I am human and couldn’t help but jump on the tweet bandwagon and took a few tweets at Charlie’s expense, although the following was out of genuine concern for his mental health:

Does Charlie Sheen have Tropic Thunder Syndrome & suffering from Vietnam War flashbacks from playing soldier in Platoon?

I made a big mistake coming here, Grandma. I thought it was going to be just a movie.

That said I will play the Late Show’s game at Charlie Sheen’s expense before the fast begins. But I am not going alone, Dear Reader. I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can omit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

This Week’s Topic: Top Ten Charlie Sheen Tweets

10. Aaaaarrggghhh…me loves the smell of tigers’ blood in the mornin’.

9. Went to Haiti to help out, only to find I was put in charge of collecting donations for Charlie Sheen Relief Fund.

8. The first step toward recovery is admitting that everyone else is bat-shit crazy.

7. Being unemployed is not all that bad.

6. Who said Frosted Flakes drenched in tiger’s blood is just for kids?

Tiger Blood's Greaaaaaaaaat...!

5. Received offer to direct porn parody of “Two and a Half Men.” Hope I can cast John Bobbitt.

4. If CBS does cast Qaddafi to replace me, they’d better call show “Two-and-a-Half Dictators” or I will take all of heir sorry asses down.

3. “You know it’s hard out there for a pimp…”

2. Just because two-and-a-half million people are following me doesn’t mean I’m paranoid. Does it?

1. If only I hadn’t lost my What Would President Josiah Bartlet Do? bracelet…

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

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You Know Unemployment Is Bad When…

Michigan Gov. Granholm proposes outsourcing Detroit to India to help bring down the state’s unemployment rate.

Brett Favre changes his Facebook career status from “Retired” to “Frictionally Unemployed.”

Uncle Sam applies for an extension on His unemployment benefits.

God is considering adding an eighth day to the week, so his unemployed creations can have a day off from looking for work.

Miss California Carrie Prejean gets fired for not living up to her end of the contract, which strictly forbids homophobia during business hours.

Just say world peace...cmon, just say world peace....

"Just say world peace...c'mon, just say world peace...."

Donald Trump fires himself, just so he has something to do.

White Supremacists, fearing layoffs beyond their Aryian control, attempt to unionize.

There’s a spike in unemployment rates for employees who work for the unemployed by standing in unemployment lines on behalf of their employers.

Former AIG CEOs start pawning their golden parachutes to help float them until their next unemployment check arrives.

Bloggin’ for nothin’ looks like a step up:)

You know the routine, dear Reader. Finish the sentence in the COMMENTS section below. What do you have to lose, other than your job (if responding while on The Man’s clock). Besides, it will look good on your resume.

The Teabaggin’ Revolution: Rebels Without a Full Teapot

teabag

When I think of teabagging, I can’t help but think about John Waters’ “Pecker.”

I was first exposed to teabagging while watching John Waters’ “Pecker” on the big screen in 1998. The film’s protagonist, Pecker, a Baltimore sandwich employee becomes an overnight success when pictures of his eccentric family become the new rage in the modern art world. During a scene in a gay bar, Pecker whips out his 35 millimeter camera and snaps pictures of a stripper teabagging one of the customers, which is strictly forbidden by the female barkeep in spite of customer requests to have the dancers bounce and drag their balls across their balding foreheads – in exchange for a sizeable tip of course.

And now, the GOP is mixing metaphors with its Tax Day Tea Party and call for widespread teabagging across the nation on Tax Day. In a feeble attempt to co-opt the Boston Tea Party, the GOP has inadvertently co-opted teabagging in its mixed-metaphor crossfire.

Ms. Liberty, embarassed by being dragged against her will to rally by Teabaggers, hides her face in shame

Ms. Liberty, embarassed by being dragged against her will to rally by Teabaggers, hides her face in shame

The thought of the sexually repressed GOP, armed with fully-loaded DSB (Dreaded Sperm Buildup) teabags and collectively dragging them across the receding landscape of America sends shudders down my spine to my teabags.

Ironically, the GOP and its foot soldiers are aiming their pent-up anger at the Obama administration for increasing taxes and blaming him for the current economic plight, when it was the previous administration, led by He Who Must Not Be Named, which ran up the deficit and broke America’s economic back.

Boy, it must be great to have selective amnesia.

Better yet, it must be great to have selective amnesia.

It’s only fitting that the Howard Beale inspired I’m-Mad-as-Hell-and-I’m-Not-Going-to-Take-It-Anymore faux frenzy has been fueled by the leader of faux news, FOX News, who I imagine is fronting for Lipton. Now Fox News is co-opting Beale — a byproduct of the satiric film “Network (1976),” which prophesized the co-opting of the news media by sacrificing journalistic integrity for entertainment and higher television ratings. Sound familiar?

Now I’m always game for a take-to-the-streets revolution, as long it’s for a worthy cause such as avoiding an illegal and costly war, bringing the skyrocketing Health Care Monopoly to its knees, or taking on my local grocery store for moving the Pop Tarts to another aisle just to fuck with me.

But given who showed up at these Tea Bag rallies, I’m not quite sure what specific cause these self-proclaimed Teabaggers are protesting:

1. President Barack Obama = the new Poster Child of Evil?

Metaphorically-challenged Teabagger mixes metaphors in plot to create Master Metaphor

Metaphorically-challenged Teabagger mixes metaphors in plot to create Master Metaphor

When the teapot runs out of steam, one can always turn to Hitler Hyperbole to help draw parallels to evil. So, under the guise of Nationalism, Obama wants to create a Master Mixed Race of Kansas-Kenyans? I knew something fishy, other than the Rev. Phelps Hate Inbreeding Experiment, was going on in Kansas.

Or maybe the Teapotters have it backwards when drawing parallels to Hitler and brewing Nationalism:

Christian Nationalist makes fervored pitch for oxymoronic bigotry

Christian Nationalist makes fervored pitch for oxymoronic bigotry

2. Socialist Takeover?

With the threat of a Communist takeover having lost its rhetorical luster, fear-mongers have turned to Socialism to stoke the nostalgic flames of Red-baiting McCarythism.

Praise Joseph!!!

Member of anti-Swine lobby hides behind passive attack

Member of anti-Swine lobby hides behind passive-agressive attack

3. Illegal Immigration?

If you are ever in need of a scapegoat for our government’s monetary mismanagement, take California’s lead (Proposition 187; circa. 1994) and blame illegal immigrants.

“The immigrants. I knew it was the immigrants even when it wasn’t the immigrants.” (Moe (The Simpsons: “Much Apu About Nothing”; 1996))

Woman (right) and illegal immigrant (left) hired by woman to fill in for unemployed husband take stand against illegal immigration

Woman (right) and illegal immigrant hired by woman to fill in for unemployed husband take stand against illegal immigration

4. Outsourcing of Child Labor?

Two American kids demand the U.S. stop outsourcing their jobs to other kids in third-world countries

Two American kids demand the U.S. stop outsourcing their jobs to other kids in third-world countries

5. Blow off Steam?

No real cause, rather just looking for another excuse to bitch about the government and blow off some pent-up steam, thus emptying their teapots empty by day’s end.

Fear and Exploding in the Real World: THIS IS NOT A BILL

Caution: contents may be hazardous to your health

Caution: contents may be hazardous to your health

Despite Therapist Bob’s new-age psychotherapy treatments, my fear of mailboxes returned last week. Albeit this fear may be irrational, since it’s not mailboxes themselves that I’m afraid of, rather what’s in them is what scares the living bejesus out of me.

Sometimes I feel blessed having stepped foot into the real world — leaving behind 18 imagined years of pain and suffering, frustrations stemming from having been exiled from the real world, a desire to run for the mere sake of running, a steady supply of hormonal Molotov cocktails calibrated by some sadistic power to go off at the most inopportune times (e.g. teacher calls on me to solve pi on the chalk board or stand up and give an impromptu speech on egg fertilization), and a misguided faith that the Cubs will one day win the World Series.

What a long, strange trip from the womb it’s been. Thank Flying Spaghetti Monster I had enough sense to wake up from this dream in time to register for the Selective Service on my 18th birthday.

Other times I regret having made the descent into the real world, especially when I’m shadowed and stalked by William (a.k.a. Bill) since my descent into the real world. Now the good William works in mysterious ways, often times sending out reconnaissance patrols to prepare intended targets for the eventual knock-out blow. He makes this clear with emboldened letters at the top of his message: “This is Not a Bill.” Not yet, anyhow.

Last week I received one of these non-Bills in my mailbox sandwiched between a stack of real Bills, which somehow, like me, managed to survive the imagined world. The difference between us, however, is that William survived adolescence with the express purpose of wreaking havoc on my reality, forcing me to long for the nostalgic pre-real world days.

The non-Bill in question was from my health insurance provider, Wellmark BlueCross Blueshield of Iowa and the heading of the recon-message read in all caps:

PREMIUM CHANGE NOTICE

THIS IS NOT A BILL

Given what the first paragraph said, the heading should have read:

BE PREPARED TO BE GREASED, WHACKED, OR SLOWLY BLED TO DEATH VIA WOODCHIPPER IN THE NEAR FUTURE

Welmark actuary caught on film crunching more numbers in woodchipper to help justify exponential premium increases

Welmark actuary caught on film crunching more numbers in woodchipper to help justify exponential premium increases

The Health-Insurance Syndicate wants to raise my monthly premium 17.3 percent from $529 to $629. My initial thought was that this was some sort of April Fools’ Day joke, since the effective change date is April 1. What reputable, LEGAL business can jack their price up 17 percent and still stay in business during an economic crisis? Reputability aside, the Big Health Insurance and Big Pharma are the only industries that can pull this off, while our employers, The Big Three Branches of Government, haggle over policy proposals as their bosses sit by and watch our savings accounts bleed to death, one painful payment at a time.

I plan on sending my Senators a letter voicing my concerns about the health industry’s price gouging and using the following heading:

PROFITTING FROM HUMAN MISERY IS IMMORAL

THIS IS NOT A THREAT

But my fear of mailboxes did not initially manifest with William’s Army, rather it stems back to 2002, when the community I lived in became a target for the “Smiley Face” piper bomber. In 2002, while living on a farm outside the small town of Tipton, Iowa, Luke Helder, 22, planted pipe bombs in peoples’ mailboxes. When later captured in New Mexico, Helder admitted to the terrorist crimes and said he did it, because he was angry at the the government.

To show his anger, Helder ironically planted pipe bombs across the country in a ‘smiley face’ pattern. Tragically, a bomb did explode in the face of one of the Tipton locals, Delores Werling, 70, who received third-degree burns. For the next week or so, we had to leave our mailboxes open at all times, thus ensuring nobody had tampered with them. Helder never stood trial for his deeds, because the courts labeled him mentally incompacitated.

Not only did this incident exacerbate my fear of mailboxes, but it led to my irrational fear of smiley faces. While I refuse to shop at Wal-Mart for several reasons, their smiley-face symbol helped solidify my self-exile from the Epicenter of Cheap Crap and Labor Exploitation. Moreover, I’m reluctant to go and see the new “Watchmen” film because of the smiley-face symbol with blood dripping from its forehead. Forget about all the violence, rape, and immoral activities in the graphic novel version, it’s the damned smiley face that will keep me away from seeing the comic unfold on the big screen.

Who is watching the Watchmen watching our mailboxes?

Who is watching the Watchmen watching our mailboxes?

While so many other Americans ensnared in the current economic crisis are afraid to open their Bills or investment updates, I imagine mailbox phobia is growing exponentially. If I weren’t one of them, I guarantee I would start my own mail-opening business and serve as the middle-man between the victim and the impending financial blow waiting to spring out of the envelop like a jack-in-the-box. Don’t worry, mom; I would wear a helmet.

But what I’m really wondering now is: If a mailbox phobia, like planting bombs in shape of smiley face, is a legitimate mental health issue and I never opened my mail, do I really ever have Bills?

I guess there is only one way to find out (sinister laugh here)…

mailbox-overstufffed

Top Ten Surprising Items in the Economic Bailout Plan

Uncle Sam's New Improved Economic Bailout Plan: Just add more tax $$$ (drowning CEO stooges sold separately)

Uncle Sam's New Improved Economic Bailout Plan: Just add more tax $$$ (drowning CEOs sold separately)

Looks like it’s politics-as-usual over at David Letterman’s Online Top Ten Contest Headquarters. The Paul Blart Mall Cop lobby has influenced this week’s winning entries once again by sleeping outside of its Hollywood caste and slummin’ with the independent film “Slumdog Millionaire.”

Paul Blart reared his head at the No. 3 spot in last week’s list, “Top Ten Things Overheard at the Academy Awards,” with “Just read my new script. It’s called ‘Slumdog Mall Cop.'” Moreover, the Online Top Ten Contest lists of the Late-Show past have seeped into one another as Joaquin Phoenix and Christina Bale made cameo appearances, proving once again that negative campaigning does work.

I took the Slumdog route and submitted “Who let the Slumdogs out? Woof! Woof!,” but to no avail.

I defy you Paul Blart!!!

Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility. That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list:  Top Ten Surprising Items in the Economic Bailout Plan

10. Billboard-sized cardboard check from taxpayer’s checkbook with “Screwed Over Again” written in Memo

9. Finance Attorney’s General to prosecute the Invisible Hand

8. Advance to write next 9 sequels of the Economic Bailout Plan

7. All banking CEOs get to pass Go and collect $2 million, split Free Parking pot and will receive one get-out-of-jail-free card

6. Billion-dollar endowment to the Electoral College

5. Salaries for The Watchmen to oversee how bailout money is spent

4. In honor of Joaquin Phoenix, increased funding for Hollywood actor relocation program

3. Funding to reinstitute Wampum as national currency

Show me the wampum! Get your bling (see above) on...

Show me the wampum! Get your bling (see No. 3) on...

2. Six-figure writing fellowship awarded to former Illinois Gov. Blagojevich to pen his memoir

1. Money for people who ACTUALLY need it

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

English Conspire with Exiled Aussies to Steal 81st Academy Awards

The envelope please: And the winner of this year’s Oscar for “Best Abduction of the Academy Awards Unbeknownst to Hollywood” goes to…Australia.

Three of Hugh Jackman's henchmen disguised as Oscars helped rig the balloting backstage (Note: photo nabbed from Oscar's offiicial web site and I'll be damned if they think I'm giving it back.)

Three of Hugh Jackman's henchmen disguised as Oscars helped rig the balloting backstage (Note: photo nabbed from Oscar's offiicial web site and I'll be damned if they think I'm giving it back.)

That’s right folks, the fix is in, but the filmmakers down-under could not have pulled off the largest gold heist in Hollywood alone.

The envelope please: And the winner of this year’s Oscar for “Best Support Abduction of the Academy Awards Unbeknownst to Hollywood” goes to…England.

While Academy members sat around stroking their Hollywood-sized, sequined egos, Australian front-man Hugh Jackman orchestrated the abduction, distracting them with cheeky song and dance numbers while his Aussie posse cleaned house.

hugh-jackman-wrestler

“Look everyone, nothing up my sleeves…”

Jackman, when not subliminally pitching his un-nominated self-titled Australian propaganda film “Australia,” seduced television viewers with his Australian accent, which he borrowed indefinately from his English predecessors — who reluctantly surrendered the King’s English to America, so we could butcher it accordingly.

Meanwhile, the “Slumdog Millionaire” clan led the Oscar abduction charge, nabbing eight of the gold Oscar statues, which at the time of this post had already been melted down into Australian and British currency and prepped for final shipping.

“Slumdog Millionaire” serves as the perfect allegory for this Oscarnapping, which, if discovered, is destined to launch a thousand sailboats from the United States nautical team. Here we have a story about fate, destiny, and the power of hope captured on screen by descendents of exiled penal colonists from England, who go to one of England’s former colonies to exploit the formerly colonized citizens for mega-profits in America and boomeranged back to Australia. What more could you ask for, other than a living wage for the film’s extras.

But the Slumdog Millionaire Aussie posse could not have pulled this off without help from down-under and up above, by which I mean fellow Aussie Heath Ledger who won an Oscar posthumously for Best Supporting Abductor – a fitting award for The Joker.

Moreover, the Aussie’s picked up an assist from descendents of their former wardens from afar, the bloody Englanders, who picked up three tasty gold nuggets with Kate Winslet. ames Marsh, and Danny Boyle’s Oscar chicanery.

Follow the gold and you’ll find that the yellow brick road not only leads out of Hollywood, but America as well. It’s only a matter of time before Hollywood will be completely outsourced to Australia, so you mates be sure to stay tuned for the 82nd Academy awards broadcast out of Sydney.

"Thanks for all the gold, Hollywood. We'll be back."

"Thanks for all the gold, Hollywood. We'll be back."

Soup’s On! – That is if you can afford it

When did soup get to be so freaking* expensive?

If you’ve cruised your grocery store’s soup aisle lately, which is second only to the cereal aisle in measurable girth, you know what I’m talking about. Every time I break down and buy a can of soup, I notice that the price has shot up, so I stopped buying soup — assuming I’m the sole cause for the nationwide soup spike. This very same logic compelled me to stop buying gas and health insurance as well. You’re welcome, dear Reader.

Because it was so cheap, soup literally consumed my grocery list when I was in college:

(Sample grocery list from college daze)

-Beer (12 pack)
-Chicken Noodle Soup (12 cans)
-Bread
-Peanut Butter
-Beer (case)
-Ramen Noodles
Vegetables
-Beef Vegetable Soup (12 cans)
-Pop-Tarts
Vegetable Soup (5 cans)
-Reserve Beer (3 cases)
Cream of Mushroom Soup (8 cans)

At the current rate of soup inflation, it won’t be long before contestants on “The Price is Right” will no longer be bidding on soup to get face-time with Drew Carey, but instead will be bidding on soup as the foundation of the “Showcase Showdown.” It’s hard enough for us Midwesterners to accurately bid on these products, because the prices haven’t been adjusted for the cost-of-living. For example, take a box of Macaroni and Cheese, which may cost $.69 in Iowa, but when adjusted for the cost-of-living in Southern California will run anywhere from $9 to $11.

I’ll be damned if I’m going to fork over 10 bucks for a box of Mac ‘N’ Cheese. Thanks, but no thanks. Like my pallet for finer wines, I prefer my Mac ‘N’ Cheese in a box.

Some fancy restaurants in town have actually added macaroni and cheese to their ADULT menus and charge $15 a bowl. I’ve actually heard people say “Oh my god, they serve the best macaroni and cheese.” That’s like someone coming out of a sperm bank and saying, “Now that’s some of the best sex I’ve ever had.”

Given the latest economic crisis, Americans may no longer have the comfort of turning to soup for economic security. Andy Warhol may have helped immortalize Campbell’s Soup through his mass-produced pop-art portraits of soup cans, but soup itself, should its prices keep spiking, may inevitably face extinction. My favorite Warhol Campbell’s Soup Portrait is “Campbell’s Soup 1, 1968,” because if you look real close, you’ll notice that Campbell’s Soup 1, 1968” is blushing. How freaking* pure is that?

Projected worth in 2025 = 3 cans of Campbell's Tomato Soup

Andy Warhol's "Campbell's Soup 1, 1968": Projected worth in 2025 = 3 cans of Campbell's Tomato Soup

And what about the proverbial Soup Kitchens that helped get us through hard economic times? Will they disappear when the market becomes oversaturated with overpriced soups and the Soup Bubble bursts? I hope consumers heed the warning signs and stop buying more soup than they can afford.

If skyrocketing soup prices don’t level off soon, I fear that Soup Kitchens will become nothing more than elaborate fronts for the Soup Mafia, who will use these kitchens to launder soup to help finance their less nefarious activities such as gun sales to children and human trafficking.

In the meantime, all this writing about soup has inspired me to tap into my 1970s stockpile of Chicken Noodle Soup and play Soup Roulette, hoping I don’t get yet another case of Salmonella — which I could barely afford to liquidate the last time.

*Euphemistic f-bomb. For if I used the word that best expresses my true outrage, I would not be able to access Say Something Funny at work because of The Man’s hypersensitive Internet filter. And work is where I create and write most of my posts on the taxpayers’ dime — which is now only worth a freaking* nickel. It’s no wonder that sticking it to The Man is merely half the fun it used to be.