Tag Archives: Charlie Sheen

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Has March Madness

Much to the chagrin of corporate CEOs and mid-level management, March Madness is set to tip off, which means nothing substantive will be accomplished at the workplace the next two days. You know, kind of like another day at the office for Congress. In fact, one firm recently estimated that employers will lose $3.8 billion dollars in wages paid to workers following the games and tracking their brackets. (I wonder how much time this firm wasted trying to figure that out and whether those were billable hours?)

$3.8 billion dollars!!! Holy Dick Vitale, that’s a lot of money! That’s like 4 barrels of oil in today’s economy.

"Show me the Iraq, baby..."

And those estimates were pre- iPhones & Smartphones and before CBS decided to stream ALL the games online.

I’ll admit that I do get excited about the Big Dance waltzing across multiple screens, especially when the first round coincides with St. Paddy’s Day. I had my March Madness bracket finished within 30 minutes after the pairings were announced. Ironically, I have Charlie Sheen taking out Colonel Qaddafi in the final round.

Since most workplace Internet surfers don’t have time to read this online during timeouts while the Bossman isn’t looking over your shoulder, I will get to this week’s David Letterman’s Late Show Online Top Ten Contest entry. But I am not going alone, Dear Reader. I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

This Week’s Topic: Top Ten* Signs Your Neighbor Has March Madness

10. Pursuing an advanced degree in Bracketology

9. He always seemed so quiet and kept to himself, so was quite a shock to all of us when we heard he went March Madness at the office

8. President Obama called and asked him to “step down”

7. Stopped playing Sudoku

7. Built makeshift shrine to Cinderella underneath plasma television capped with name of Cinderella pick tucked into soul of wife’s missing shoe*

6. Hired Nurse Ratched to help administer buzzer-beater anxiety meds and keep beer flowing intravenously

Time for your 4th quarter meds, Mr. ______________.

5. Has the Virgin Mary going all the way

4. Had lawyer bracket last will and testament among 64 friends and family members

3. UPS truck delivered 2 hookers and 4 cases of Tigers’ Blood day before tournament

2. Named newborn twin daughters Jim Nantz and Clark Kellogg

1. Started breaking out in portrait style tattoos of Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson and Irwin “Fletch” Fletcher

Get your limited-edition Fletch tattoo while supples last.

*The second No. 7 was written while under the influence of Tigers’ Blood — the unofficial drink of March Madness.

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

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Top Ten Charlie Sheen Tweets

Since I vowed to give Charlie Sheen up for Lent, I was disappointed in this week’s topic for David Letterman’s “Late Show” Online Top Ten Contest. I know that times have been tough for the embattled former “Two-and-a-Half Men” actor, whose off-camera antics have put Qaddafi and Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker on the media’s back burners, where Lindsay Lohan is simmering as she prepares herself for a reprisal of the “Caged Heat” B-movie series.

Upon entering the Estranged Actor Relocation Program, Charlie Sheen wasn’t going to delve into oblivion alone, and like Qaddafi (who is reported to fill Sheen’s shoes on “Two and a Half Men” as part of his agreement to step down) vowed to take as many followers down with him via twitter, hoping to smash the world record for followers lured in to Twitter lair in the fastest time possible. He had nearly 2.5 million Followers upon publication of this post.

Now, like Charlie, I am human and couldn’t help but jump on the tweet bandwagon and took a few tweets at Charlie’s expense, although the following was out of genuine concern for his mental health:

Does Charlie Sheen have Tropic Thunder Syndrome & suffering from Vietnam War flashbacks from playing soldier in Platoon?

I made a big mistake coming here, Grandma. I thought it was going to be just a movie.

That said I will play the Late Show’s game at Charlie Sheen’s expense before the fast begins. But I am not going alone, Dear Reader. I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can omit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

This Week’s Topic: Top Ten Charlie Sheen Tweets

10. Aaaaarrggghhh…me loves the smell of tigers’ blood in the mornin’.

9. Went to Haiti to help out, only to find I was put in charge of collecting donations for Charlie Sheen Relief Fund.

8. The first step toward recovery is admitting that everyone else is bat-shit crazy.

7. Being unemployed is not all that bad.

6. Who said Frosted Flakes drenched in tiger’s blood is just for kids?

Tiger Blood's Greaaaaaaaaat...!

5. Received offer to direct porn parody of “Two and a Half Men.” Hope I can cast John Bobbitt.

4. If CBS does cast Qaddafi to replace me, they’d better call show “Two-and-a-Half Dictators” or I will take all of heir sorry asses down.

3. “You know it’s hard out there for a pimp…”

2. Just because two-and-a-half million people are following me doesn’t mean I’m paranoid. Does it?

1. If only I hadn’t lost my What Would President Josiah Bartlet Do? bracelet…

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Qaddafi’s To Do List

Dude, Where's my Regime?

Qaddafi’s To Kill Do List

Update profile on Muslim dating site Mawada, changing my love handle to “BBW Miriam Jasmine Seeks Revolutionary for Killlllllllller NSA Fun”

Launch presidential exploratory committee in U.S. and see how long it takes majority of Americans to figure out I cannot constitutionally run for president

Launder rest of money stuffed between mattresses through self-righteous American pop stars

Finish application to Tea Party Evil Dictator Relocation Program and send materials to rural Pakistan P.O. Box

Revise “Cuckoo for Qaddafi” press releases to U.S., pulling pull back on previously overstated craziness so Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan remain in media spotlight

Prepare for afterlife by ordering more lifetime prescriptions of hallucinogenics

Make law stripping Rebel Alliances' collective bargaining rights and sitting-on-and-posing-for-media-tank breaks

Push paperwork through promoting me from Colonel to General God

Return calls to FOX television to discuss their offer for own show filling Glenn Beck’s spot

Rebuild previously destroyed Weapons of Mass Destruction in garage

Send sympathy cards to Gov. Scott Walker, Charlie Sheen, Glenn Beck and Job

Cut off all modes of communication to outside world, order loyalist thugs to kill everyone that’s not killing everyone, stomp out anything that threatens my power, squelch any notions of civil rights, then call underground press conference to blame the United States for escalating all the misbegotten turmoil in my country