Earth Day Hung Over (Please Recycle This Post)

Mother Earth's Creator threatens to drop her if Earthlings don't get their shit together real soon

Mother Earth's Creator threatens to drop her if Earthlings don't get their shit together real soon

Earth Day: a man-made invention (from the makers of Valentine’s Day & All Saints’ Day), wherein its creator sets aside a 24-hour period each day to reflect upon the other 364 days of the year when man clog’s Mother’ Earth pores with plastics, recyclable garbage, archaic non-plasma television sets, nuclear waste, appliances, concrete slabs, dead sex toys, and aluminum canisters filled with petty rationalizations and excuses as to why Americans feel the need to bend Mama Earth over and stick it to her every non-Earth Day of the year.

Like insincere New Year’s Resolutions, we Americans used Earth Day as an excuse to take time away from producing more waste to make vows not to produce more waste. The big question is how many of us, when we wake up tomorrow morning with an environmental hangover, will actually remember the promises we made in the global warming of the moment while trying to get into Mama Earth’s pants.

That said, I’ve decided to strike preemptively by going public with my vows to help protect Mother Earth’s borders:

1. Whenever somebody tells me Global Warming is a hoax (which usually happens on an uncharacteristically cold day in Iowa), I will open up a can of Lysol on ‘em and spray the CFCs in their eyes and say: “How does that feel, naysayer? You think Mother Earth likes it? Do you? Huh?” (Note: this is merely a hoax, so if anyone should go blind or bleed from the eyes, chalk it up as mere happenstance.)

2. Participate in the “Litterbug Catch and Release Program.” Any time I see somebody litter or flick their cigarette butt on the ground, I will apprehend them and call the authorities, who will arrest them and either release them on the other side of the ozone layer or sentence them to hard time in a nearby land fill (formerly known as “The Dump”).

3. Stop using modifiers in the future.

4. Team up with Mother Earth’s Creators, Klaatu and Gort (aka Jesus and God) and film a sequel to the original “The Day the Earth Stood Still” (not to be confused with the recently recycled version starring Keanu Reeves, whose acting career has been overly recycled beyond the Best-When-Used-By Date: “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”). In the new film, “The Day the Earth Stood Full,” we will declare Inertia on Earth, holding earthlings hostage until they meet our demands: Appoint WALL-E Czar of Earth, stop using doublespeak to mask threats against Earth (e.g. “clean coal”), and boot Keanu Reeves out of the Actors’ Guild – no questions asked.

Future Earth Czar WALL-E unveils Trash Talkin' Manifesto during stump speech in T.S. Elliot's Wasteland

Future Earth Czar WALL-E unveils Trash Talkin' Manifesto during stump speech in T.S. Elliot's Wasteland

5. Recycle this post.

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I’m So Broke That…

broke

When I call my voice mail, I have to call collect.

The IRS recently sent me a letter regarding this year’s tax filing that said: “Don’t bother.”

I now have vultures following me on Twitter.

When a panhandler asked if I could spare some change, I asked him if he had an easy-payment plan.

I don’t have enough cents to finish this sentence…

The lower-class revoked my membership for not keeping up with my dues.

Both the Democratic and Republican Parties removed me from their donor mailing lists.

To improve his station in life, my cat ran away to the Humane Society.

I asked Congress for a bailout so I can help pay for my bankruptcy filing.

I’ve resurrected my Ramen noodles’ recipe book from my early college daze.

That I e-mailed the Obama Administration asking them if they could spare some change I can believe in.

WordPress has threatened to foreclose my free blog.

Now’s your chance, Dear Reader, to say something funny by adding your two cents (no I Owe Yous, please; I’m broke enough as it is) in the COMMENTS section below.

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The Teabaggin’ Revolution: Rebels Without a Full Teapot

teabag

When I think of teabagging, I can’t help but think about John Waters’ “Pecker.”

I was first exposed to teabagging while watching John Waters’ “Pecker” on the big screen in 1998. The film’s protagonist, Pecker, a Baltimore sandwich employee becomes an overnight success when pictures of his eccentric family become the new rage in the modern art world. During a scene in a gay bar, Pecker whips out his 35 millimeter camera and snaps pictures of a stripper teabagging one of the customers, which is strictly forbidden by the female barkeep in spite of customer requests to have the dancers bounce and drag their balls across their balding foreheads – in exchange for a sizeable tip of course.

And now, the GOP is mixing metaphors with its Tax Day Tea Party and call for widespread teabagging across the nation on Tax Day. In a feeble attempt to co-opt the Boston Tea Party, the GOP has inadvertently co-opted teabagging in its mixed-metaphor crossfire.

Ms. Liberty, embarassed by being dragged against her will to rally by Teabaggers, hides her face in shame

Ms. Liberty, embarassed by being dragged against her will to rally by Teabaggers, hides her face in shame

The thought of the sexually repressed GOP, armed with fully-loaded DSB (Dreaded Sperm Buildup) teabags and collectively dragging them across the receding landscape of America sends shudders down my spine to my teabags.

Ironically, the GOP and its foot soldiers are aiming their pent-up anger at the Obama administration for increasing taxes and blaming him for the current economic plight, when it was the previous administration, led by He Who Must Not Be Named, which ran up the deficit and broke America’s economic back.

Boy, it must be great to have selective amnesia.

Better yet, it must be great to have selective amnesia.

It’s only fitting that the Howard Beale inspired I’m-Mad-as-Hell-and-I’m-Not-Going-to-Take-It-Anymore faux frenzy has been fueled by the leader of faux news, FOX News, who I imagine is fronting for Lipton. Now Fox News is co-opting Beale — a byproduct of the satiric film “Network (1976),” which prophesized the co-opting of the news media by sacrificing journalistic integrity for entertainment and higher television ratings. Sound familiar?

Now I’m always game for a take-to-the-streets revolution, as long it’s for a worthy cause such as avoiding an illegal and costly war, bringing the skyrocketing Health Care Monopoly to its knees, or taking on my local grocery store for moving the Pop Tarts to another aisle just to fuck with me.

But given who showed up at these Tea Bag rallies, I’m not quite sure what specific cause these self-proclaimed Teabaggers are protesting:

1. President Barack Obama = the new Poster Child of Evil?

Metaphorically-challenged Teabagger mixes metaphors in plot to create Master Metaphor

Metaphorically-challenged Teabagger mixes metaphors in plot to create Master Metaphor

When the teapot runs out of steam, one can always turn to Hitler Hyperbole to help draw parallels to evil. So, under the guise of Nationalism, Obama wants to create a Master Mixed Race of Kansas-Kenyans? I knew something fishy, other than the Rev. Phelps Hate Inbreeding Experiment, was going on in Kansas.

Or maybe the Teapotters have it backwards when drawing parallels to Hitler and brewing Nationalism:

Christian Nationalist makes fervored pitch for oxymoronic bigotry

Christian Nationalist makes fervored pitch for oxymoronic bigotry

2. Socialist Takeover?

With the threat of a Communist takeover having lost its rhetorical luster, fear-mongers have turned to Socialism to stoke the nostalgic flames of Red-baiting McCarythism.

Praise Joseph!!!

Member of anti-Swine lobby hides behind passive attack

Member of anti-Swine lobby hides behind passive-agressive attack

3. Illegal Immigration?

If you are ever in need of a scapegoat for our government’s monetary mismanagement, take California’s lead (Proposition 187; circa. 1994) and blame illegal immigrants.

“The immigrants. I knew it was the immigrants even when it wasn’t the immigrants.” (Moe (The Simpsons: “Much Apu About Nothing”; 1996))

Woman (right) and illegal immigrant (left) hired by woman to fill in for unemployed husband take stand against illegal immigration

Woman (right) and illegal immigrant hired by woman to fill in for unemployed husband take stand against illegal immigration

4. Outsourcing of Child Labor?

Two American kids demand the U.S. stop outsourcing their jobs to other kids in third-world countries

Two American kids demand the U.S. stop outsourcing their jobs to other kids in third-world countries

5. Blow off Steam?

No real cause, rather just looking for another excuse to bitch about the government and blow off some pent-up steam, thus emptying their teapots empty by day’s end.

Top Ten Pet Peeves of the Octomom (An Exercise in Futility)

To do her part in stimulating the economy, the Octomom (aka Nadya Denise Suleman) thought the best way she could contribute was by breeding new consumers, adding eight more to her stable of six. Unfortunately, given the fact that she has no viable income coupled with her multi-million dollar hospital bill, it is only a matter of time before Octomom begins lobbying Congress for an additional bailout.

Nadya Suleman Gutierrez (aka Natalie Doud): Voted "Most Likely to Breed a Third-World Country" by Doud High School senior classmates

Nadya Suleman Gutierrez: Voted "Most Likely to Breed a Third-World Country" by her high school senior classmates

Fearing that the government may force her into bankruptcy and sell off her only assets, her litter of children, Octomom has yet to sign them out from the hospital, which by the way, now serves as a four-star hotel with around-the-clock nurses, free cable television, and an in-house nanny service.

So what do you give somebody who is seeking more attention? More attention. Which leads us to this week’s edition of David Letterman’s “Late Show” Online Top Ten Contest. Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility.

That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list: Top Ten Pet Peeves of the Octomom

10. When the media keeps giving her all the attention she craves

9. Hospital nurses keep moving octuplets around without updating seating chart

8. Conceiving children the old-fashioned way

7. Potential suitors confuse her with James Bond girl Octopussy

6. Angelina Jolie refuses to take any of the octuplets for a test-drive

5. ABC’s Extreme Makeover’s keeps offering to build her family a giant shoe to live in

4. Porn giant Vivid offered her ONLY $1 million to star in adult film

3. Strangers keep recommending she read Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”

2. When the octuplets treat her body like a Hookah Bong

1. Can’t claim donor sperm as tax write-off

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Oxymoron 101: POLITICAL ACTION (Figures Sold Separately)

Unidentified busy-body congressman is bound in red tape and locked in Senate chamber closet

Unidentified busy-body congressman is bound in red tape and locked in Senate chamber closet

There are two kinds of people, those who talk about getting things done and those who actually get them done. If you’re looking to jump into the latter pool, don’t chlorinate contaminate the pool with politics, especially since CLEAN POLITICS is not only an illusion, but it’s an oxymoron as well.

Moreover, if you’re one of those idealistic politicians — meaning somebody who has never heard of politics or has yet to be contaminated by the status-quo cesspool – who wants to serve as a catalyst for political change, avoid ascribing to POLITICAL ACTION at all possible costs, even if those costs amount to losing an election.

To see political in-action, look no further than our beloved Do-Nothing Congress, whose job is to help protect U.S. citizens from themselves.

In between doing-nothing inactivities, Sen. John McCain takes a nap in Senate chamber

In between do-nothing inactivities, Sen. John McCain takes a nap in Senate chamber

Ironically, the more action Congressmen take to protect us, the more harm they do — unless of course you have a stable of well-groomed lobbyists mortgaging political influence on your behalf. In doing so, politicians are creating the illusion that we need them. Crafting bills and amendments is nothing more than hammering out press releases or political ads:

“See, you need me after all, dear Constituent. Who else, using your money, could help protect you from yourself?”

Like farmers, maybe we, the taxpayers, should pay lawmakers subsidies to do nothing, literally speaking of course — thus saving us money in the long-term, preserving the topsoil of laws already enacted, and preventing lawmakers from over-saturating the global market and driving down demand for recycled ideas. Not to mention, paying politicians to do nothing will help them focus on their primary objectives of political office: raising money to fill their campaigns with empty rhetoric.

A red flag of suspicion should pop up anytime you hear a politician decry: “This is an outrage and calls for immediate action!” Although it makes voters feel as if their ELECTED OFFICIALS are actually being heard, politicians, like fear-induced Chicken-Little alarms, are programmed to go off and say this every two months as a means of giving angered citizens less time to sharpen their pitchforks and shout in an all-CAPS e-mail message to their representative:

“YOU NEED TO TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION ON THIS ISSUE – BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!!”

These threats, however, usually end with these words or the threat of pepper spray, unless the angered citizen tacks “…OR ELSE” on to the end, which may provoke an arrest or restraining order. However, this rarely occurs in America – one of the only self-described Democracies wherein the employers are STILL afraid of their employees.

To help capture political inaction and serve as a homeopathic cure for insomnia, Brain Lamb created C-SPAN (Cable-Satellite Public Affairs Network), a COMMERCIAL-FREE television network dedicated to around-the-clock coverage of politicians doing what they get paid for: Nothing. Similar to the popular situation-comedy “Seinfeld,” which broke the formulaic television envelop by creating a show about “nothing,” C-SPAN created an entire network about “nothing.”

c-span-bus

C-SPAN’s Merry Pundits spread new brand of POLITICAL ACTION in Magic Bus during 2008 campaign

Although to C-SPAN’s credit, it did lay the foundation for 24-hour news channels, which takes 30 minutes of news and stretches it out over a 24-hour period. The difference between “Seinfeld” and C-SPAN is that people actually watch “Seinfeld” (syndicated episodes), whereas the only people who watch C-SPAN are the wives of politicians, who tune in to make sure their husbands aren’t out cheating on them.

If POLITICAL ACTION wasn’t bad enough, some politicians have slapped on the word Committee to Political Action, thus formulating Political Action Committee. Once POLITICAL and ACTION cancel each other out, you’re left with “committee.” And any figurehead, whether public or private, knows that the quickest and easiest way to divert attention away from a controversial issue is to appoint a committee to study the matter. Death-by-Committee will ensure that nothing ever gets accomplished.

Newly formed Political Action Committee gathers outside White House to take immediate action

Newly formed Political Action Committee gathers outside White House to take immediate action

Besides, PACs are nothing more than money fronts for politicians to launder campaign contributions while simultaneously masking the identity of the contributors.

From T.M. Lindsey’s UNPUBLISHED BOOK, Oxymoron 101: The LONG-LOST GUIDE to AWFULLY GOOD Oxymorons.

Top Ten Rejected NCAA College Basketball Mascots (An Exercise in Futility)

Chief Illiniwek: "Read my face paint:  I am not a racist mascot."

Chief Illiniwek: "Read my face paint: I am not a racist mascot."

Usually when controversy and basketball mascots are mentioned in the same breath, it has something to do with the use of negative Native-American stereotypes such as the Fighting Illini’s Chief Illiniwek, Florida State’s Sammy Seminole, or the University of North Dakota’s Fighting Sioux.

However, to address these stereotypical misrepresentations of the Native-American culture, a University of Northern Colorado (UNC) intramural basketball team (which included players of Native-American ancestry) went on the satiric warpath in 2002 by adopting the name “Fighting Whites” (later dubbed “Fightin’ Whities” by media outlets). For their team’s mascot, the Fighting Whites employed a stereotypical, white, 1950s ad man based on the advertising art of the time.

When I first heard news about the Fightin’ Whities during an NPR report while driving my car to work, I nearly spit my coffee all over the dashboard. Finally, somebody had the stones to stick it to the White Man, I thought to myself. Before long, the Fightin’ Whities took the nation by storm and began selling the team’s t-shirt all over the country.

fighting-whities

They sold enough t-shirts in 2003 that they were able to donate $100,000 to the UNC Foundation, most of which went to a scholarship fund for Native Americans.

Those silly Indian Givers — bucking the White Man’s ironic stereotypes once again.

And now David Letterman’s “Late Show” is getting in on some of the mascot action with its latest installment of the Online Top Ten Contest. Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility.

That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list: Top Ten Rejected NCAA College Basketball Mascots

10. University of North Carolina Tar Heels Babies

9. AIG Golden Parachutists

8. University of Nevada – Las Vegas Number-Runnin’ Rebels

7. University of Kentucky Klansmen

6. University of Tennessee – Nashville Off-Court Predators

5. Boston College Lady Spread-Eagles

4. Indiana University Dark Knights

3. Duke Blue Devils Ballers

2. Oral Roberts University Fightin’ Fundies

1. American University Flying Jihadists

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Steal My Identity, Please

identity-theft-protection1

Finally, somebody stole my identity.

That somebody, or who I, not by choice mind you, now call the New Me, finally took the bait and stole my identity. Ever since I invested all of my hope inY2K (that’s “Year 2000” – for my fellow Acronym Challenged brethren out there) wiping the financial slates clean from microchip memory, only to be thoroughly disappointed when the anticipated crash did not happen, I’ve been praying somebody would steal my identity and the financial baggage that comes with it.

During the waning days leading up to the turn of the century, when I wasn’t thinking about what life must have been like in debtors’ prisons, I channeled all of my remaining energy into Operation Ground Zero – my little pet name for the impending Y2K crash. Often times these thought strands would merge, and I imagined the resurrection of debtors’ prisons in the post-Y2K era.

The First Rule About Operation Ground Zero is That You Don't Talk Aboutd Operation Ground Zero

The First Rule of Operation Ground Zero is That You Don't Talk About Operation Ground Zero

Ironically, I envisioned debtors’ prisons in an optimistic light – a trait I picked up through my mother’s umbilical cord while floating aimlessly in the womb, without any financial worries whatsoever. Ah yes, the salad days. Debtors’ prison: Where else are you guaranteed a roof over your head and three square meals a day? Moreover, debtors will get the opportunity to spend more time with their families, since they’ll be imprisoned alongside their loved ones instead of alone in an office cubicle, not to mention, debtors’ prisons will have the best education system, since most teachers are in debt up until they retire.

To help tempt and encourage identity thieves, I’ve been leaving my financial baggage all over the Internet, unattended, despite all the warnings circulating in the virtual airwaves via telecom:

Warning: Do not leave your financial baggage unattended, for bags may be stolen or injected with a virus that will virtually destroy your life. Please report any unattended bags to the Internet police or any behaviors that may be considered suspicious, including but not limited to persons fitting computer hacker profiles that demonstrate antisocial behaviors in public places, shoeless children offering to carry your bags in exchange for money and/or sexual favors, or mechanical dogs sniffing through your matching, leopard-skin luggage set.

Despite making wholesale security cuts and leaving behind a mixed-trail of computer cookies a hack hacker could easily digest, nobody had been tempted by my identity. They must have read the writing on the firewalls:

Keep Out! This Poor Cat Ain’t Carryin’ No Cash or Credit

Even so, I thought somebody would at least nibble on my identity before moving on to other, more reputable and potentially profitable marks, say AIG shareholders. Although I had never bought into the Fear Industry’s mega-marketing machine, I thought my revealing identity would lure somebody into its financial abyss. Exacerbated by 9-11 attacks and the “War on Terror,” the “War on Identity Theft,” has stepped up its measures as well, pumping paranoia into the market through fear generators – known as televisions and radios in less paranoid communities.

Not a day goes by that I don’t hear some advertisement warning me about identity theft:

Voice Over: Did you know that paying with unprotected plastic is like having sex without a rubber? Whether it’s somebody stealing your identity or giving you an incurable STD, you’re putting your life on the line. Why risk subject yourself to a long, painful death, when you can protect yourself and enjoy the temporary gratification without having to worry about what or who’s on the other end? No more worries; now you can buy the best protection in the industry…

The Identity Protection Industry Racket has become the new Mafia in America, offering consumers protection from identity thieves in exchange for nominal fees.

"You want identity protection...I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse..."

"You want your identity protected? I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse..."

For me the key to fighting identity theft is making sure I don’t have anything worth stealing (at least that’s what I keep telling myself), including my dignity. Subconsciously, at least that’s what I tell Therapist Bob, I’ve taken this philosophy to an extreme by digging a financial hole to China, who by the way, already owns my debt by way of the United States. Hmmmm…maybe we should tempt another country to steal our country’s identity to help erase our debt and lift us out of the current recession.

Got toxic assets?

So I began leaving my identity laying around on the Internet, thinking somebody would quickly snatch it up, but no such luck. I even resorted to using reverse psychology: “Yoo hoo. Over here. Whatever you do, keep your hands off my sweet, little identity, big boy.”

But to no avail.

However, some sucker, the New Me, finally took the bait and hooked my identity last month, only to discover he had been hobbled by a rapidly falling credit score. The New Me is not banking too well. Worse, the New Me had the nerve to file a lawsuit against the Old Me, claiming I had entrapped him into a financial quagmire.

But I’ve vowed to fight the New Me, to the death if need be, and it’s no longer about the money, rather it’s about protecting my dignity – at least what’s left of it after amortization.

Breaking: SSF Faux News Headline Challenge (No. 1)

While “The Onion: America’s Finest Only News Source” and “FOX News: Fair and UnBalanced” have cornered the market on the faux news industry, the line between reality and absurdity has become increasingly blurred.

To help illustrate this, I’ve pirated the following photos off of the FOX News Web site and included the matching news headline. In addition I’ve included SSF Faux News Headlines and it’s your job, dear Reader, to pick which one is the real headline. (Correct answers provided in the Comments section)

whole-foods

A) Whole Foods Latest Grocer Swallowed Whole by Economic Python

B) ‘World’s Deadliest Spider’ Found in Whole Foods Produce Section

C) Rush Limbaugh Calls Whole Foods ‘Liberal Meat-Market for the Rich’

obama-video-to-iran

A) Obama Reaches Out to Iran, Looks for Engagement

B) Despite Threats, Obama Looking to End Bush’s Messy Divorce with Iran

C) Obama Courts Iranians with YouTube Video

dog-money

A) Chicago Family Claims ‘Bitch’ Abandoned by Obamas 2 Years Ago

B) Therapy Dog ‘Leg Go’ from Senior Nursing Home to Help Muzzle Costs

C) Feeling Financial Heat, North Carolina Family Dog Eats Owner’s Money

transgender-drowning

A) After Hearing Obama’s Special Olympic Joke on Leno, Special Olympic Swimmer Drowns Self

B) Surveillance Camera Captures Hotel Lifeguard Sitting Idle in Wheelchair during Drowning

C) Ohio Transgender Woman Sentenced to Death 4 Year in Prison for Exercising Husband to Death

George W. Bush’s Top Ten Facebook Status Updates (An Exercise in Futility)

george_bush

Just when you thought former President George W. Bush had fully disappeared into the Texas sunset with the satirists’ shadow following closely behind, David Letterman’s “Late Show” posse resurrected him for this week’s Online Top Ten Contest. While most satirists have boxed up their George W. Bush satiric crutches and stored them in the attic, CBS insists we beat the “dead horse” and contemplate what the “Great Decider” is doing during his twilight years.

When Bush first left office, I had no doubts he would follow his arch enemy Osama bin Laden’s lead and go into reclusive exile, resurrecting every so often to remind the American people, probably through the release of a grainy video clip on YouTube, who helped elevate the world of satire and made it what it is today.

However, unlike the “No White’s Allowed” sign mounted at the entrance of bin Laden’s Pakistani cave, Bush moved into the formerly whites-only Dallas suburb of Preston Hollow. Bush was immediately ostracized by his new upper-crust neighbors, whose property values made double-digit drops when They moved into the neighborhood.

Birds eye view of former President George W. Bush's new postpresidency bunker in Preston Hollow, where Bush remains holed up

Birds eye view of former President George W. Bush's new post-presidency bunker in Preston Hollow, where Bush remains holed up

Fortunately while living in exile, Bush has kept in contact with his two friends through his Facebook page, which leads to this week’s online Top Ten Contest.

Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility. That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list: George W. Bush’s Top Ten Facebook Status Updates

George W. Bush is…

10. Having trouble deciding what to title upcoming memoir about decisions made in office

9. Missing Jon Stewart dropping his name on “The Daily Show”

8. Playing Grand Theft Democracy on his new Xbox 360

7. Wondering if he should double-down on life-insurance policy before weekend hunting trip with Dick Cheney

6. Now friends with Kim Jong-il, Will Farrell, Joe Lieberman, Miley Cyrus, and Krusty the Clown

5. Watching “W” and wishes he could act like Josh Brolin

4. Feeling better after coming out of eight-year coma

3. Upset Laura’s book club is reading Obama’s “The Audacity of Hope”

2. Using 12-step program to break addiction to presidential signing statements

1. Hitting up AIG CEOs for presidential library donations

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

They’re Always After Me St. Paddy’s Day Limericks!

leprechaun8

Ah yes, St. Paddy’s Day has arrived. A day of Irish reconciliation in America where, for a day, everyone has at least one drop of Irish blood alcohol level, thus qualifying them to drink liberally and slur their best Irish accents among their 1/32nd Irish friends. For the record: I’m half Irish, but I’m not entirely sure which half – the bottom or top half. Although I inherited a number of Irish traits from my father’s side (green eyes, reddish hair, and a soft spot for Bono), I did not inherit his Irish taste buds. I cannot stand Irish cuisine and feel blessed my grandfather immigrated to America, where he drank himself, probably to kill the taste of corned beef and cabbage, to an untimely death.

I plan on celebrating by wearing green all day, not because I need to profess or celebrate my Irish heritage, rather so nobody pinches me. Moreover, to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day this year, I thought I would serve up some tasty limericks as either appetizers or chasers for those of you who plan on indulging in Ireland’s favorite pastime: Guinness green beer.

(Note: To fully appreciate these limericks, it’s recommended that you read them aloud in private, using your best Irish accent, before you start knocking down the beers in a public pub.)

There’s No Place Like Ireland on St. Paddy’s Day in America

St, Paddy’s Day rolls ‘round but once a year
As Americans quest for green beer,
Pour on thick accents,
Spew yarns of nonsense,
And long for a home they’ve never been near.

Just Say No to Me Lucky Charms

There once was a leprechaun named Lucky
Who hooked kids on marshmallows quite sticky.
When they need a fix.
They must turn a trick;
For Lucky’s charms are magically tasty.

Saint Patrick’s Snakes on a Plane

There once was a saint named Patrick
Who chased off Ireland’s snakes with a stick.
They boarded a plane,
Drove the crew insane —
Inspiring this muthufuckin’ snakes on a plane lim’rick.

Saint Patricia’s Night at the Roxbury

There once was a lassie from Listerine
Who dipped her whole body in green.
She drank herself blind,
Nearly drowned her mind
And awoke to a leprechaun drag queen.