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It seems that if you want to grab and hold the media’s attention these days, all you have to do is drink tigers’ blood or booze with pickles, run around in public and babble incoherently about nothing to total strangers and take yourself too seriously. At least these are the modern-day prerequisites for running for President of the United States — or at least pretending to run for president while prick-teasing the media.
Speaking of which, Donald Trump keeps threatening to make a presidential run but hasn’t made it official, which involves forming an exploratory committee to search your parents’ basement and attic with the task of finding your original birth certificate and making an obligatory appearance on “The View”. Next you send out press releases telling them you plan on making an important announcement at some historical American
wasteland landmark such as Liberty Taco Bell in Philadelphia or The Mall of America or Carhenge in Alliance, Nebraska.
Before the event, you leak information that you plan on announcing that you’ve filed papers and you’re running for president. But at the actual event, you tease the media by telling them
you have list of names of 257 card-carrying Terrorists working for Homeland Security in your breast pocket are officially forming a presidential exploratory committee, now that the preliminary exploratory committee manufactured a new birth certificate claiming you were born at said landmark has located your birth certificate, thus proving you are over 36 years of age, were born in America and are prone to 4-year cycles of hyper-narcissism.
That said, news leaked by Donald Trump’s legion of underpaid
casino workers interns indicate that he’s in the preliminary exploratory process, thus indicating he’s taking the first serious step in making a presidential run, which leads to this week’s David Letterman’s Late Show Online Top Ten Contest entry. But I am not going alone, Dear Reader. I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.
This Week’s Topic: Top Ten Signs Donald Trump Is Serious About Running for President
10. Using “Celebrity Apprentice” next season to help choose Vice President running mate
9. Apologized to James Dobson for leaving a horse’s head at the foot of his bed
8. Boycotting own show to generate more press
7. Fired videographer after reading John Edward’s new book, “The Idiot’s Guide to Running for President”
6. Acquired Diebold Voting Machines company, whose technicians are calibrating voting machines to hit three Trumps every-other
5. Hired WikiLeaks and B.A. Baracus to head Opposition Research A-Team
4. Running political ads on “The Howard Stern Show”
3. The Tea Party, Birthers and Newt Gingrich’s mistress added him to their speed dial
2. Ordered 2 million red, white & blue “Obama, Your Fired!” matching headbands and thong underwear
1. Burned all the skeletons in his closet – insurers issued $12 million check to replace Trump Towers
Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.
Daily Tweet T’wit: Rumor has it Charlie Sheen left “Two and a Half Men” over contract disputes over who will be the half man when Angus Turner Jones turns 18 in October. To get your daily dose of tweets, be … Continue reading
Surprise, surprise: I’ve launched yet another blog, “Confessions of a Cold War Veteran.”
Part memoir, part humor/satire, part pop-culture, and like our government’s annual budget — 50 percent Military Industrial Complex.
Delay cadence/Count cadence/Delay cadence/Count!
I confess, dear Civilian, I am not a Catholic nor am I a war veteran, rather I am a veteran of the Cold War, not to mention a narcissist. Regarding the latter, why else would I create my own blog, the fifth to date? If I weren’t narcissistic, I wouldn’t be able to convince myself that there is some niche of readers floating in Cyberland who gives a damn about me and what I have to say or what thoughts are trip-wired in my brain, especially when the primary subject is Me.
Hey everyone, look at me! Over here, look at me…!
Or maybe the niche I have created is a mere figment of my imagination that consists of an audience of one? In that case, please do excuse me, dear Civilian, if at times you catch me talking to myself; the theory being that if you cannot hold a conversation with yourself, the notion of carrying on a conversation with fellow members of your species is futile. At least that’s what Therapist Bob tells me. Speaking of whom, it was Therapist Bob, my psychological and spiritual and financial adviser, who recommended that I start yet another blog as a means of publicly purging my experiences while actively serving in the Army during the tail-end of the Cold War during the late ‘80s, thus tearing down the wall erected between the right and left sides of my brain.
Moreover, based on Therapist Bob’s recommendations, Confessions of a Cold War Veteran will provide me with a safe, nuclear-free space to share my insights as a Cold War Veteran on contemporary issues, military and otherwise.
Hence, a blog was born: Confessions of a Cold War Veteran…
Read rest of debut post at Confessions of a Cold War Veteran and don’t forget to bookmark page and tell all of your friends, your IRS agent and the neighbor down the street who is described as a quiet, lonely man who keeps to himself (but does not live in his mother’s basement, where he spends his waking hours blogging).
In states that still participate in Daylight Savings, which may soon be nationalized by the federal government if Americans continue to lose confidence in daylight and are reluctant to spend their time, everyone bemoans the loss of an hour – namely because they could have used the hour to reset all the clocks in the house.
But seriously, what would they have done any differently had they had that extra hour this weekend? I’m sure if we conducted a family-feudal survey, the survey’s number one answer would be: sleep. Of course this assumes that those surveyed do not have children or milk cows, whose biological clocks resist man-made cosmic alterations in the Timexian universe. By the time these biological clocks are completely recalibrated, it will be time to “Fall Back.”
In Iowa the designated witching-hour to either spring forward or fall back centers the 2 a.m. bar-closing time, thus clearing up any confusion among alcohol peddlers as to when they should stop nursing the drunks passed out at the bar. The delayed time-switch also provides the lonely beer-goggle populace an extra hour to lose even more focus as they zero in on their intended target, preferably the one in the middle – even though they’ve only locked in on one target.
So why do we still have Daylight Savings, which allows Mother Nature’s invisible hand to unhinge our time-structured world without any government oversight and/or transparency? Better yet, what are some of the advantages and disadvantages of Daylight Savings and the age-old prospect of Springing Forward?
Less time for our Do-Nothing Congress to do less of nothing
More daylight in the evening to watch your new Plasma television
Provides excuse to take off for lunch an hour earlier or justify extending your afternoon cat nap: “Really, it’s an hour later, so…”
Get your newspaper an hour earlier, so your metabolism can get a jump start digesting all of the depressing news
Milk cows, whose teats aren’t prematurely pulled, are less likely to conspire with the pigs and the horses in overthrowing the Animal Farm and/or the government
More time for the GOP-arm of our Do-Nothing Congress to obstruct Congress from doing less of nothing
If you die before ‘Fall Back,” you’ll be robbed of an hour of precious life, assuming every hour of your life is not already preciousssssssssss…
More daylight in the evening to shed even more light on the melancholic faces of those folks who have lost their jobs, homes, dignity, or thought injecting botulism into their foreheads ten years ago seemed like a good idea at the time
More time for Rush Limbaugh’s shadow to eclipse the sun, especially after he has succeeded in fully consuming the GOP
Insomniac’s more likely to join Fight Club, but we’ll never really know, because the first rule of Fight Club is never talking about Fight Club (looks like my membership has just been revoked; now what Tyler?)