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God Refuses to Grant Pearly Gatekeepers ‘Essential Worker’ Status

HEAVEN – As the Coranavirus pandemic body count on Earth grows exponentially and lines at the Pearly Gates continue to snake their way down through Purgatory, God unleashed yet another Tweetstorm Sunday. God’s wrath took particular umbrage with the Gatekeepers working on the front lines of the Pearly Gates he had erected to keep ungodly sinners from illegally entering the Kingdom.

Coronavirus Cases Surpass 60,000 in U.S.; Spain Death Toll ...

Heavenly Prospects herded by gates subcontracted from summer festival venues on Earth

Tweet: What the hell do these ungrateful Angels want now? I already cut their Sunday shifts in half, so they’d have more time to worship ME. Have you seen MY ratings since then? AMAZING! It’ll be a cold day in Hell before I give them “essential worker” They just want more money and harp time. I’m the ONE making ALL the sacrifices around here! So Selfish!!!

God’s latest Tweetstorm was ignited by Saint Peter, who reached out to the Almighty for some godly assistance on the front lines. “We cannot keep up with the current deluge of bodies clamoring at the Pearly Gates and demanding that they get into Heaven,” Saint Peter texted to God. “And now the pandemic is rapidly spreading from Earth to the Heavens and the Gatekeepers, who we assumed had reached an immortal status, are falling ill and dying in vast numbers.”

Dr. Gabriel Horowitz, director or the Heavenly Pestilence Center, corroborated Saint Peter’s concerns. “We thought Heaven was immune to COVID-19 before we unleashed it upon Earth to help thin the Libertarian herd,” Dr. Horowitz said. “Not only did we underestimate Human’s capacity for blind ignorance but we also learned that the virus has no boundaries, including those of us who now call Heaven “Home’”.

Tweet: So now it’s MY FAULT that the Earth Virus is making its rounds in MY Kingdom?!!! I think we ALL know who the real culprit is here. #SATANGATE

Saint Peter also informed the Almighty that they’ve reached a tipping point and can no longer handle the influx of souls. “We’ve enacted a lottery system to determine who gets into hell and who is sent back down to wander Earth until the Heavenly Climate Change Center finishes processing the planet for recycling.”

Tempers continue to boil at the Pearly Gates as patience is on the cusp of extinction. Heavenly Prospects have started removing their masks and refuse to stand six feet behind one another, risking contamination of the very same virus that killed them in the first place.

US anti-lockdown protests: 'If you are paranoid about getting sick ...

Satan’s Spokesman, Alex Jones, leads protesters at the Pearly Gates in a call-response chant: “Live Free or Die Again”

Meanwhile, God has shut himself up inside the Kingdom on the Hill and refuses to conduct any more briefings after a female Angel of the Heavenly Press asked Him if He was going to wear a mask as a sign of solidarity and to model precautionary measures.

“I don’t need to wear a mask. I’m God, Dammit!” the Almighty bellowed before storming off in a Biblical rage.

Social Distancing is So Retro

 

COVID-19 Lesson No. 1: Ten Seasons of “The Walking Dead” Have Taught Us Nothing

FADE IN:

Pandemic Ghost of COVID-Future : Boys, girls, and gender neutrals, I remember my first pandemic as if it were only yesterday… Gather ’round the Hologram fire, sit down on your social-distance squares and let me tell you about the Pre-COVID golden days back when people shook hands, most Americans couldn’t pronounce bidet, and household disinfectants were not one of the four major food groups*.

(*Sarcasm Disclaimer: Under no uncertain terms does the Say Something Funny Administration suggest or condone the injection of household disinfectants (e.g. Lysol, bootleg whiskey. etc.) as preventive care or a remedy for the Covid-19 virus. If unsure whether anything in an SSF post is supposed to be taken literally or sarcastically, please do call the Sarcasm Hotline: 1-WHAT-DA-FUCK. Our operators will be standing by to take your calls and listen to your concerns.)

Pandemic Ghost of COVID-Present (COVID blocks Pandemic Ghost of COVID Future): However, before you listen to more yarns of conspiracy theories and the COVID Disinformation Center (C.D.C.) lifts the temporary ban on the future, we need to begin hoarding some of the messages that Covid-19 has already taught us.

COVID Disinformation Center (C.D.C.)

Lesson No. 1: 10 Seasons of The Walking Dead Have Taught Us Nothing

When I first watched The Walking Dead, I knew it was prophecy at first sight. Having seen my share of the Walking Living, I knew that shit was about to get real and the Zombies were not only an existential threat to our way of life but a living metaphor for whatever pandemic was Amazon primed from above to pick up where Jesus and other prophets had failed us. The Walking Dead is the new and improved Testament and Rick Grimes is the new Messiah. Unfortunately, the Walking Living, in particular Red-White-and-Blue Blooded Americans, have mastered the art of ignoring awful truths at their own peril.

While Rick and his disciples spend most of the early seasons scouring abandoned pharmacies and box stores for penicillin and ammunition, the today’s Walking Living spent the early stages questing and fighting over toilet paper. That’s right folks, squeezable Charmin Ultra-Soft Asswipe had become the Holy Grail of the new Pandemic.

Thanks to COVID-19 the lovable Mr. Whipple of yore has now become the poster boy for Pandemic Creepers. “Mr. Whipple, please don’t squeeze the Charmin.”

During the first season of COVID-19, state governments urged citizens to adopt voluntary house arrest, so they could sit in the comfort of their own homes watch the federal and state governments slowly unravel on television and the internet. Messiah Rick and his Disciples faced a similar debate early on as to whether they should stay or go – eventually opting for a hybrid model. Meanwhile, the carefully cast Noahs arc of diversity was not content with Anarchy or Libertarianism, so they went window shopping and tried on new governments to see if they could find one size that fits all. Like a band of fickle teenagers, they were never satisfied:

Teen Extra 1:   “OMG, this Dictatatorhip makes me feel so secure but there’s something about that Governor dude and his creepy eye patch that makes my skin crawl.”

Teen Extra 2:  “I know, right. l and, like, totally makes my skin break out in rashes. 

Teen Extra 1:  “Besides, I’m like more of Self-Sustaining, Cooperative Living Minimalist kinda girl.”

Teen Extra 2:  “Fo’ sure.. Could you hand me some of those abandoned holy jeans and sweaters?”

Teen Extra 1:  “Totes retro…”

In less than three months of COVID-19, we’ve learned that our current form of Democracy is no better than a pair of old-school, holy jeans. While they look Chic on the outside, all it takes is a major storm to hit for us to realize that the majority of Americans are a few threads away from being pantless (hence, the birth of Zoom video conferencing, where pants are optional).  Leading up to the pandemic, both sides of Democracy’s aisle decried Socialism as the faux patch to our social fabric, only to adopt its’s tenets when the government quickly unraveled. 

And now that the Libertarian seeds of dissent have had time to sprout conspiracy theories percolating from the Alt-right wing of the Dark Web and take root in voluntary captivity, it’s time for the Dead to unplug, tear off their masks, and take to the empty streets to demand the return of Freedom. Let the Zombie Apocalypse begin! 

All signs, figurative and literal,  point to the end of the world as we know it…

2568417_web1_2568417-99f19f62d9ed48a084b4c5928d3aa98d

Inspired by the cult-classic film, “Shaun of the Dead”, protestors stormed Ohio statehouse, chanting, “MAKE AMERICA UNDEAD AGAIN!”

 “Haircuts are a right, not a privilege!”

“Science is Satan’s Pawn!”

“Our ignorence is not 4 cell. You cant by our silence 4 $1,200!”

“Four Legs Good, Two Legs Bad!”

“Life is a Beach, not a DEATH SENTENCE!”

Rick 3:13:  “Thou shalt not covet thy partner’s wife.”

FADE OUT:

Top 10 Excuses VP Pence Considered for Not Wearing Mask to Mayo Clinic Before Opting to Play Dumb(er)

Like his Boss and Deadpool, VP Mikey Pence thinks he’s God’s gift to the world invincible. Unlike Deadpool, however, neither one of these mortals has enough sense to hide their hideous faces from those they’re trying to protect.

“I had to tell staff security a lie ‘this big’ in order to see you without a mask,” Mike Pence tells his captive audience of one. 

While recently visiting the Mayo Clinic, Pence — the Head of the Coronavirus Task Force — opted to buck the clinic policy and go full-monty and not wear a mask. This would be akin to the famed sex therapist, Dr. Ruth, telling her young lover, “You don’t need to wear a condom. I’m clean.”

Invariably, a tweet from rogue a reporter went viral on social media and unmasked Pence’s hypocrisy for the quarantined world to see. Before stepping into his Boss’s playing-dumb footsteps, Pence played the executive white-privilege card and confessed that he’s tested daily for Covid-19.

What the Fake News failed to report are some of the excuses that Pence and his staffers spit-balled before committing to the top-down, Play Dumb Strategy: “I wasn’t aware that was the Mayo Clinic policy”:

Top 10 Excuses Pence & the Gang Considered for Not Wearing Mask to Mayo Clinic Before Opting to Play Dumb(er)

  1. I left my mask in the glove compartment aboard Air Force 2
  2. I was under the impression that we would be touring a Mayonnaise factory
  3. I’m still getting used to having to DO stuff
  4. I could not find any scripture that supports wearing a mask during a global pandemic
  5. Alex Jones Obama told me NOT to wear one
  6. Wanted to cheer patients up by showing them my smile

    The staff at SSF scoured the internet for a picture of Pence smiling and this is the closest we could find. 

  7. It was a security precaution. What most people don’t realize is that the majority of masks are Made in U.S.A. China
  8. You can’t believe everything you see or hear on Trump’s Daily Covid-19 Briefing Fake News
  9. I left it on my printer at home. I swear to God that I’ll wear it the next time I tour the Mayo factory
  10. I loaned my mask to a nonessential worker who gave it away to his wife, Melania

Bonus excuse dialed in by Mikey’s wife, Karen, before she adopted the play-dumb stance:

  • Had I known it was Mayo Clinic policy, I would have packed a mask in Mikey’s suitcase between his CliffsNotes Holy Bible and rainbow boxer shorts
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Mike Pense Pre-emptively Stripped of Superhero Stats

Pence Meme 2

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Bracket Bustin’ Badgers

Jar Jar Binks Strikes Again!

Jar Jar’s Curse Transcends the 2nd Dimension

Top Ten Signs Donald Trump Is Serious About Running for President

It seems that if you want to grab and hold the media’s attention these days, all you have to do is drink tigers’ blood or booze with pickles, run around in public and babble incoherently about nothing to total strangers and take yourself too seriously. At least these are the modern-day prerequisites for running for President of the United States — or at least pretending to run for president while prick-teasing the media.

Speaking of which, Donald Trump keeps threatening to make a presidential run but hasn’t made it official, which involves forming an exploratory committee to search your parents’ basement and attic with the task of finding your original birth certificate and making an obligatory appearance on “The View”. Next you send out press releases telling them you plan on making an important announcement at some historical American wasteland landmark such as Liberty Taco Bell in Philadelphia or The Mall of America or Carhenge in Alliance, Nebraska.

Carhenge: Nothing smacks of Americana more than makeshift graveyard of American-made cars passed off as art

Before the event, you leak information that you plan on announcing that you’ve filed papers and you’re running for president. But at the actual event, you tease the media by telling them you have list of names of 257 card-carrying Terrorists working for Homeland Security in your breast pocket are officially forming a presidential exploratory committee, now that the preliminary exploratory committee manufactured a new birth certificate claiming you were born at said landmark has located your birth certificate, thus proving you are over 36 years of age, were born in America and are prone to 4-year cycles of hyper-narcissism.

That said, news leaked by Donald Trump’s legion of underpaid casino workers interns indicate that he’s in the preliminary exploratory process, thus indicating he’s taking the first serious step in making a presidential run, which leads to this week’s David Letterman’s Late Show Online Top Ten Contest entry. But I am not going alone, Dear Reader. I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

This Week’s Topic: Top Ten Signs Donald Trump Is Serious About Running for President

10. Using “Celebrity Apprentice” next season to help choose Vice President running mate

9. Apologized to James Dobson for leaving a horse’s head at the foot of his bed

8. Boycotting own show to generate more press

7. Fired videographer after reading John Edward’s new book, “The Idiot’s Guide to Running for President”

6. Acquired Diebold Voting Machines company, whose technicians are calibrating voting machines to hit three Trumps every-other

5. Hired WikiLeaks and B.A. Baracus to head Opposition Research A-Team

I pity the fool who don't vote for Mr. T

4. Running political ads on “The Howard Stern Show”

3. The Tea Party, Birthers and Newt Gingrich’s mistress added him to their speed dial

2. Ordered 2 million red, white & blue “Obama, Your Fired!” matching headbands and thong underwear

1. Burned all the skeletons in his closet – insurers issued $12 million check to replace Trump Towers

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Aside

Daily Tweet T’wit: Rumor has it Charlie Sheen left “Two and a Half Men” over contract disputes over who will be the half man when Angus Turner Jones turns 18 in October. To get your daily dose of tweets, be … Continue reading

‘Confessions of a Cold War Veteran’ Sounds Off

Surprise, surprise: I’ve launched yet another blog, “Confessions of a Cold War Veteran.”

Part memoir, part humor/satire, part pop-culture, and like our government’s annual budget — 50 percent Military Industrial Complex.

And from the ashes of the Cold War, Confessions of a Cold War Veteran rises

Delay cadence/Count cadence/Delay cadence/Count!

One!…

I confess, dear Civilian, I am not a Catholic nor am I a war veteran, rather I am a veteran of the Cold War, not to mention a narcissist. Regarding the latter, why else would I create my own blog, the fifth to date? If I weren’t narcissistic, I wouldn’t be able to convince myself that there is some niche of readers floating in Cyberland who gives a damn about me and what I have to say or what thoughts are trip-wired in my brain, especially when the primary subject is Me.

Hey everyone, look at me! Over here, look at me…!

Or maybe the niche I have created is a mere figment of my imagination that consists of an audience of one? In that case, please do excuse me, dear Civilian, if at times you catch me talking to myself; the theory being that if you cannot hold a conversation with yourself, the notion of carrying on a conversation with fellow members of your species is futile. At least that’s what Therapist Bob tells me. Speaking of whom, it was Therapist Bob, my psychological and spiritual and financial adviser, who recommended that I start yet another blog as a means of publicly purging my experiences while actively serving in the Army during the tail-end of the Cold War during the late ‘80s, thus tearing down the wall erected between the right and left sides of my brain.

Moreover, based on Therapist Bob’s recommendations, Confessions of a Cold War Veteran will provide me with a safe, nuclear-free space to share my insights as a Cold War Veteran on contemporary issues, military and otherwise.

Hence, a blog was born: Confessions of a Cold War Veteran

Read rest of debut post at Confessions of a Cold War Veteran and don’t forget to bookmark page and tell all of your friends, your IRS agent and the neighbor down the street who is described as a quiet, lonely man who keeps to himself (but does not live in his mother’s basement, where he spends his waking hours blogging).