Category Archives: Traditional Bits

I’m So Broke That… (cheaper, 2nd edition)

Posted on December 27, 2011 | 1 comment

In dishonor of the sequel “Neverending Recession I”, the Invisible Hand’s middle finger, and the non-monetary success of the 1st edition (now translated in 3 currency exchange rates, including wampum), I’ve decided to catch-and-release another edition of “I’m So Broke That…”:



I’m So Broke That…

I’ve resorted to using counterfeit, fake money when playing Monopoly

I stopped buying into the American Dream

I can no longer take cheap shots

All my credit cards ran off and joined the Occupy Wall Street Movement

I started clipping coupons for cheap thrills

I’ve resorted to using counterfeit, fake money when playing Monopoly

I was forced to give up second-hand smoking

The Sperm Bank closed my account

Due to shortage in postage, I tattooed “Returned to Sender” on my forehead and shipped myself, C.O.D., back to my Maker

Cn’t ffrd 2 b* fckng vwl

The production of this post, including all the ideas, was outsourced from India

*Not even sometimes:(

Now’s your chance, Dear Reader, to say something funny by adding your two cents (no I Owe Yous, please; I’m broke enough as it is) in the COMMENTS section below.

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Qaddafi’s To Do List

Posted on March 3, 2011 | Leave a comment

Dude, Where's my Regime?

Qaddafi’s To Kill Do List

Update profile on Muslim dating site Mawada, changing my love handle to “BBW Miriam Jasmine Seeks Revolutionary for Killlllllllller NSA Fun”

Launch presidential exploratory committee in U.S. and see how long it takes majority of Americans to figure out I cannot constitutionally run for president

Launder rest of money stuffed between mattresses through self-righteous American pop stars

Finish application to Tea Party Evil Dictator Relocation Program and send materials to rural Pakistan P.O. Box

Revise “Cuckoo for Qaddafi” press releases to U.S., pulling pull back on previously overstated craziness so Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan remain in media spotlight

Prepare for afterlife by ordering more lifetime prescriptions of hallucinogenics

Make law stripping Rebel Alliances' collective bargaining rights and sitting-on-and-posing-for-media-tank breaks

Push paperwork through promoting me from Colonel to General God

Return calls to FOX television to discuss their offer for own show filling Glenn Beck’s spot

Rebuild previously destroyed Weapons of Mass Destruction in garage

Send sympathy cards to Gov. Scott Walker, Charlie Sheen, Glenn Beck and Job

Cut off all modes of communication to outside world, order loyalist thugs to kill everyone that’s not killing everyone, stomp out anything that threatens my power, squelch any notions of civil rights, then call underground press conference to blame the United States for escalating all the misbegotten turmoil in my country

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I’m So Broke That…

Posted on May 20, 2010 | 11 comments

Having finally paid off the first installment of this bit, I’ve finally managed to scrape together enough material for a second installment of:

I’m so broke that…

I asked the Tea Party to refund my membership dues.

I couldn’t pay full homage to the late Ronnie James Dio.

I’m STILL saving up to file for bankruptcy.

I pawned one of my kidneys.

I’ve considered emigrating to Mexico.

A Census worker counted me as .4 — which is less than half the man I used to be.

My accountant* fired me (*Turbo Tax).

My wallet, after feeling empty and unfulfilled, ran off with my neighbor’s coin purse.

I voted for change, thinking I was voting for literal change (talk about shortchanging voters, eh?).

I STILL owe myself an apology for actually posting this cents-less dribble.

Now’s your chance, Dear Reader, to say something funny by adding your two cents (no I Owe Yous, please; I’m broke enough as it is) in the COMMENTS section below.

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More Useless Advice That May One Day Kill You (vol. 1)

Posted on September 22, 2009 | 1 comment

The Almighty advised me to not look back while He’s barbequing sin on an open flame. Forrest Gump taught me to keep running. And Therapist Bob told me that I need to stop living in the past and running from my problems.

And now all I have for you, dear Reader, is more useless advice that may one day kill you:

1. Never sleep with a cockroach unless they promise you, in writing, to take you with them into the post-apocalyptic paradise.

2. Vote OTHER

3. Walk softly and carry conceal a mid-range CS Super Soaker.

Is that a Super Soaker 50 in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? (your deserved groan here)

Is that a Super Soaker 50 in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? (your deserved groan here)

4. Rules were made to be amended (see U.S. Constitution, Geneva Conventions, and latest edition of Dungeons and Dragons Official Handbook)

5. Never trust anyone who tells you they LOVE dead baby jokes.

Autopsy: Man decapitated with mobile wire for telling one-too many dead-baby jokes to the wrong baby.

Autopsy: Man decapitated with mobile wire for telling one-too many dead-baby jokes to the wrong baby.

(Disclaimer: Please don’t kill the messenger, unless they advise you to do so – for a nominal fee of course.)

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You Know Unemployment Is Bad When…

Posted on June 16, 2009 | Leave a comment

Michigan Gov. Granholm proposes outsourcing Detroit to India to help bring down the state’s unemployment rate.

Brett Favre changes his Facebook career status from “Retired” to “Frictionally Unemployed.”

Uncle Sam applies for an extension on His unemployment benefits.

God is considering adding an eighth day to the week, so his unemployed creations can have a day off from looking for work.

Miss California Carrie Prejean gets fired for not living up to her end of the contract, which strictly forbids homophobia during business hours.

Just say world peace...cmon, just say world peace....

"Just say world peace...c'mon, just say world peace...."

Donald Trump fires himself, just so he has something to do.

White Supremacists, fearing layoffs beyond their Aryian control, attempt to unionize.

There’s a spike in unemployment rates for employees who work for the unemployed by standing in unemployment lines on behalf of their employers.

Former AIG CEOs start pawning their golden parachutes to help float them until their next unemployment check arrives.

Bloggin’ for nothin’ looks like a step up:)

You know the routine, dear Reader. Finish the sentence in the COMMENTS section below. What do you have to lose, other than your job (if responding while on The Man’s clock). Besides, it will look good on your resume.

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I’m So Broke That…

Posted on April 20, 2009 | 147 comments

broke

When I call my voice mail, I have to call collect.

The IRS recently sent me a letter regarding this year’s tax filing that said: “Don’t bother.”

I now have vultures following me on Twitter.

When a panhandler asked if I could spare some change, I asked him if he had an easy-payment plan.

I don’t have enough cents to finish this sentence…

The lower-class revoked my membership for not keeping up with my dues.

Both the Democratic and Republican Parties removed me from their donor mailing lists.

To improve his station in life, my cat ran away to the Humane Society.

I asked Congress for a bailout so I can help pay for my bankruptcy filing.

I’ve resurrected my Ramen noodles’ recipe book from my early college daze.

That I e-mailed the Obama Administration asking them if they could spare some change I can believe in.

WordPress has threatened to foreclose my free blog.

Now’s your chance, Dear Reader, to say something funny by adding your two cents (no I Owe Yous, please; I’m broke enough as it is) in the COMMENTS section below.

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