Category Archives: Top Ten Lists

Top Ten Surprising Items in the Economic Bailout Plan

Uncle Sam's New Improved Economic Bailout Plan: Just add more tax $$$ (drowning CEO stooges sold separately)

Uncle Sam's New Improved Economic Bailout Plan: Just add more tax $$$ (drowning CEOs sold separately)

Looks like it’s politics-as-usual over at David Letterman’s Online Top Ten Contest Headquarters. The Paul Blart Mall Cop lobby has influenced this week’s winning entries once again by sleeping outside of its Hollywood caste and slummin’ with the independent film “Slumdog Millionaire.”

Paul Blart reared his head at the No. 3 spot in last week’s list, “Top Ten Things Overheard at the Academy Awards,” with “Just read my new script. It’s called ‘Slumdog Mall Cop.'” Moreover, the Online Top Ten Contest lists of the Late-Show past have seeped into one another as Joaquin Phoenix and Christina Bale made cameo appearances, proving once again that negative campaigning does work.

I took the Slumdog route and submitted “Who let the Slumdogs out? Woof! Woof!,” but to no avail.

I defy you Paul Blart!!!

Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility. That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list:  Top Ten Surprising Items in the Economic Bailout Plan

10. Billboard-sized cardboard check from taxpayer’s checkbook with “Screwed Over Again” written in Memo

9. Finance Attorney’s General to prosecute the Invisible Hand

8. Advance to write next 9 sequels of the Economic Bailout Plan

7. All banking CEOs get to pass Go and collect $2 million, split Free Parking pot and will receive one get-out-of-jail-free card

6. Billion-dollar endowment to the Electoral College

5. Salaries for The Watchmen to oversee how bailout money is spent

4. In honor of Joaquin Phoenix, increased funding for Hollywood actor relocation program

3. Funding to reinstitute Wampum as national currency

Show me the wampum! Get your bling (see above) on...

Show me the wampum! Get your bling (see No. 3) on...

2. Six-figure writing fellowship awarded to former Illinois Gov. Blagojevich to pen his memoir

1. Money for people who ACTUALLY need it

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Academy Awards

oscar-trophy

Okay, so David Letterman’s little Online Top Ten Contest duped me into watching the 81st Academy Awards Ceremony in its entirety, so I could comb through over three hours of material for this week’s category (see title). Granted I could think of worse research assignments — say sifting through the thousands of entries submitted every week to the Top Ten Online Contest. Somebody has to do the dirty work nobody else wants to do, eh?

Besides, that’s why God created interns in the first place. Just ask His fleet of interns scattered across the globe, who serve the Boss Man their entire lives, hoping one day they’ll get promoted and moved to an upstairs’ office — preferably the one with the leather chair and giant picture-window overlooking the entire kingdom.

Speaking of higher callings, my quest, or obsession in Therapist Bob’s eyes, to obtain the Holy “Late Show Online” t-shirt fell short yet again last week. Undaunted, however, I am starting to see some patterns emerge among past winners. For example, Bernie Madoff and Paul Blart: Mall Cop have reared their heads on multiple occasions, so I plan on casting them in cameo roles in my list this week.

The Oscar ceremony, for the most part, was a real yawner and felt like a latter-day Robert Altman film – a three-hour film chalked full of stars but never really goes anywhere (e.g. “Ready to Wear”). The definitive moment of the evening was when Sean Penn pulled the mild upset by beating out Mickey Rourke for Best Actor and used his speech to declare war on California’s homophobes. It was at that moment that I knew what I wanted for my next birthday: Sean Penn’s Balls. Not that I would ever use them per se, I just want to know that I had them in case an emergency calling for monster balls should ever arise.

WANTED:  Sean Penn's other ball for birthday present.

WANTED: Sean Penn's other ball for birthday present.

But I digress, dear Reader. Here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to the Top Ten contest, but I cannot win this alone— so I’m soliciting your help. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list: Top Ten Things Overheard at the Academy Awards

10. What happened to the free hors d’oeuvres this year?

9. Remind me, what has Hugh Jackman been in?

8. Are we going to just sit by and watch the Brits and Aussie’s steal the show and all the awards?

7. Did you get a Bernie Madoff voodoo doll in your complimentary gift bag?

6. Excuse me Mr. Rourke, but the chandelier lights are reflecting off your silver tooth and blinding the orchestra pit crew.

5. Given the current exchange-rate for gold, the Oscars may actually be worth something this year.

4. Where’s Heath?

3. If I’d known Paul Blart would be running security, I would have left my Boda bag in the limo.

2. Would somebody please pass Sean Penn another tissue?

1. Who let the Slumdogs out? Woof! Woof!

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Top Ten Joaquin Phoenix Excuses for His Behavior

Once again my quest to win David Letterman’s Online Top Ten Contest came up short last week. In the meantime my obsession to win the Holy “Late show Online” t-shirt has begun to wane, so I’ve decided to up the ante by forming an exploratory committee into whether I should officially launch a grassroots’ campaign to land a freelance job writing for Letterman.

Temporary default slogan: “Will Write for Letterman”

Sure I will keep indulging my weekly exercise in futility by cranking out a Top Ten List, but only as a means of laying the ground work for my possible campaign.

Speaking of which, this week’s Top Ten Contest topic stems from a recent guest appearance by Joaquin Phoenix, or at least somebody alleging to be Joaquin Phoenix. To get some of the back story, check out the following clip:

Joaquin Phoenix on David Letterman (Feb. 11, 2009)

Despite a record-low voter turnout for last week’s attempt, I will continue my quest to win the Holy Late Show Online t-shirt. But again, I cannot do this alone— so I’m soliciting your help, dear Reader. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list: Top Ten Joaquin Phoenix Excuses for His Behavior

10.  Still thinks he’s Johnny Cash

9.  Real Joaquin Phoenix abducted by Tom Cruise and Scientologist minions

8.  P.E.T.A. made him do it

7.  Thought he was auditioning for “Witness” sequel extra

6.  Hoping to inspire a Top Ten List

5.  Experimenting with new hip-hop persona, Bearded Ice

4.  Attempting to channel spirit of Andy Kaufman

3.  Who needs excuses when you’re generating more press

2.  Trying to conceal secret crush on Letterman

1.  Recently entered Hollywood’s witness relocation program

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Top Ten Signs Christian Bale Is Your Valentine

Often times a parody is lost in translation if you don’t know the source of what is being parodied.

Such was the case when I was watching “The Colbert Report” and Steven Colbert went ballistic on Steve Martin, dropping f-bombs on the seasoned comedian for walking across the set.

Stephen Colbert Goes Christian Bale on Steve Martin (click here to see video)

What I didn’t know is that this was a parody of a recent on-the-set tirade by the Dark Knight Christian Bale, who unleashed his sexually-repressed Bruce Wayne alter-ego on an unsuspecting photographer who broke his Zen-like acting concentration.

Christian Bale Explodes on Set (audio version)

The sign of a good parody is when it can stand alone and is funny without depending on the original source for comedic effect. The Colbert bit was funny, but after I did my homework, the bit was even more funny. Clearly it’s time to schedule another dentist appointment, so I can get caught up on the last six months of “People Magazine” gossip.

In the meantime, Bale’s tantrum has gone virtual, landing on David Letterman’s Online Top Ten Contest this week. Had I known my obsession with trying to win the holy “Late Show Online” t-shirt would involve Christian Bale, I would have chosen another obsession — say chasing parked dreams.

For those of you who are counting (thanks mom and Irene), here’s the latest tally for my quest against the Artificial-Intelligence computerized intern over at CBS:

H.A.L 9000: 4 T.M. Lindsey 6800: Zero

Last week’s failed bid for the topic, “Top Ten Signs You Won’t Be Winning a Grammy Award,” was “Grammy Foundation discovered you owe $127 in back taxes.” Speaking of the Grammys, I watched them up until my ears began bleeding, literally, during the Jonas Brothers and Stevie Wonder hook up. Shame on you Grammys; you should know better than taking advantage of a blind man.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

At the threat of sounding like a broken record (or cliché for that matter), I will continue my quest to win the Holy Late Show Online t-shirt, but again, I cannot do this alone— so I’m soliciting your help, dear reader. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me choose the ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning this week’s contest.

This week’s list:  Top Ten Signs Christian Bale Is Your Valentine

10. Two of you met at anger management retreat in Gotham

9. His term of endearment for you is Poopsie Woopsie F*ckface

8. The Joker forbade your love

7. Recently hired as Bale’s star-crossed cameraman

6. He asked you out on blind date to “My Bloody Valentine”

5. Your love for Bale parodied on “The Colbert Report”

4. He sent you box of heart-shaped “Be My Verbal Whipping Bi-atch” candies

3. Co-starring with Bale in Albee adaptation: “Who’s Afraid of Christian Bale?”

2. Showed affections for you by tearing down streetlights in front of your house

1. D: It is written

Don’t forget to let me know (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit.

Top Ten Signs You Won’t Be Winning a Grammy Award

The bad news is that I didn’t crack David Letterman’s Online Top Ten Contest last week, thus denying my body the “Late Show Online” t-shirt it so desires. The good news is that CBS hasn’t pressed any charges for virtually stalking the intern running its fixed contest. I’m 75 percent convinced that said intern is a computer named H.A.L. 9000, who is hell-bent on taking over and destroying Dave’s show, but has had a few lapses in Artificial-Judgment as of late:

Look Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over… I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal…

For last week’s topic, “Top 10 Ways the Bad Economy is Affecting the Super Bowl,” I submitted the No. 1 vote-getter: “The NFL is seeking a bailout from Congress to help pay for the halftime show,” but to no avail.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

Undaunted, however, I will continue my quest to win the Holy Late Show Online t-shirt, but again, I cannot do this alone— so I’m soliciting your help, dear reader. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me choose the ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning this week’s contest.

This week’s list:

Top Ten Signs You Won’t Be Winning a Grammy Award

10. You’re taking a Greyhound bus to the award ceremony

9. Next paid gig is opening act at Nick Jonas’ 17th birthday in September

8. Grammy Foundation discovered you owe $127 in back taxes

7. Hit song still No. 1 on Guantanamo Bay’s Psy-Ops Musical Torture Charts

6. L’il Wayne borrowed your only tuxedo

5. Said your band was bigger than Obama in press release

4. No mention of your band anywhere on Judas Priest’s new album “Nostradamus”

3. Amy Winehouse’s publicist hired you to be her babysitter

2. Recently signed deal to exclusively sell CD at Pop’s One-Stop Guns & Ammo Shop

1. You’re sending Milli Vanilli to accept award on your behalf

Don’t forget to let me know (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit.

Top 10 Ways the Bad Economy is Affecting the Super Bowl

Okay, my quest for winning a David Letterman “Late Show Online” t-shirt has officially become an obsession. I will keep submitting an entry every week until I win the Holy Shirt and/or Letterman hires me to write for the “Late Show” or CBS presses charges for virtually stalking the intern relegated to compiling the Top Ten Contest winners.

Until then, I will devote my time to getting inside the mind of the aforementioned intern — assuming he or she works alone.

For last week’s topic, “Top 10 Things Overheard at Barack Obama’s Inauguration,” I took a stab with “I heard Michelle leased her dress from Sarah Palin,” but to no avail. Albeit Sara Palin did break the Top Ten with “I wonder if Sarah Palin can see this from her house?”

Close, but no smoking gun.

Undaunted, however, I will continue my quest to win the Holy Late Show Online t-shirt, but again, I cannot do this alone— so I’m soliciting your help, dear reader. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me choose the ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning this week.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

Like an addiction to clichés, the third time is a charm, eh?

Be sure to indicate your choice in the comments section at the end of the post.

This week’s list:

Top 10 Ways the Bad Economy is Affecting the Super Bowl

10. Hat day has been replaced by pink-slip day

9. The NFL is seeking a bailout from Congress to help pay for the halftime show

8. Officials will use a commemorative potato for the coin toss

7. Sunday will still be considered a work day in Pittsburgh

6. Roseanne Barr agreed to sing the National Anthem for free

5. Teams will not be penalized for “illegal use of hands”

4. Steelers’ fans changed Steel Curtain slogan to “Recycled Aluminum Draperies”

3. Springsteen forced to cut set list down to one song: Annie’s “Tomorrow”

2. Instead of Super Bowl rings, players will receive David Letterman decoder rings

1. NBC sent out 10% off coupons for $2.6 million 30-second ad spots

Don’t forget to let me know (in the Comments) which one of these I should submit.

Top 10 Things Overheard at Barack Obama’s Inauguration

"Where's Waldo?"

President Barack Obama's 2009 Inauguration: "Where's Waldo?"

My quest for winning a David Letterman “Late Show Online” t-shirt continues after a disappointing, yet hopeful attempt at last week’s online Top Ten Contest, which featured the topic: “Top Ten Least Popular New Products at the Consumer Electronics Show.”

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

After readers weighed in, one actually bribing me with a pound of flesh if I submitted “Life-sized, remote-control mime” (I guess some people out there have a thing for electronic mimes), I went with the top online vote-getter: Bernard Madoff Money Changer.

Among last week’s winners, Bernard Madoff did make the final cut at the No. 1 spot with “New Video Game: ‘Grand Theft Madoff.’”

Undaunted, I will continue my quest to win the holy Late Show Online t-shirt, but again, I cannot do this alone— so I’m soliciting your help, dear reader. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me choose the ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning this week.

Be sure to indicate your choice in the comments section at the end of the post.

This week’s Top Ten topic and list:

Top 10 Things Overheard at Barack Obama’s Inauguration

10. “Excuse me, but could you please point me toward the Washington Monument?”

9. “Frosty malts! Get your frosty malt!”

8. “George W. Who?”

7. “Freebird!”

6. “HOPE: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.”

5. Aretha Franklin: “You want R-E-S-P-E-C-T? Talk to the hat, baby.”

4. “Whew!”

3. “I heard Michelle leased her dress from Sarah Palin.”

2. Dick Cheney’s backstage Dr. Strangelove impersonation: “Mein Fuhrer! I can walk!”

1. “Pssst, wake up George. Your reign is over.”

Don’t forget to let me know (in the Comments) which one of these I should submit.

Chasing the American Dream: Winning a “Late Show with David Letterman” T-Shirt (part 1)

Ever since the gap-toothed, late-night comedic wonder David Letterman made his television debut in 1982, I’ve always fantasized about being a guest on his “Late Show.” By guest, I mean an actual guest and not a Stupid Human and/or Pet Trick performer.

Twenty-six years have passed and no such luck. As Letterman ages and the window of opportunity closes faster and faster, I’ve come to the realization that I’m willing to settle for winning a “Late Show Online” t-shirt from his weekly online Top Ten Contest.

Apparently CBS throws “Online” on the t-shirt to draw a fine line between Letterman’s live and virtual audience — as if the latter were some kind of communicable disease.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

 That said, after I win my t-shirt, I plan on having the following screen printed on the back:

“I dreamt of being on the Late Show with David Letterman, but instead all I got was this lousy Late Show Online t-shirt.”

So begins my quest, but like most heroic quests, I cannot do this alone — so I’m soliciting your help, dear reader. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me choose the ONE from the list (I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning this week.

Be sure to indicate your choice in the comments section at the end of the post.

This week’s list:  Top Ten Least Popular New Products at the Consumer Electronics Show

10. Life-sized, remote-control mime

9.  Paris Hilton Global Positioning System (GPS) navigation device

8.  Universal push-button spousal remote control

7.  Battery-operated White Elephant

6.  Set of personalized Osama bin Laden ringtone messages

5.  Voice-activated nagging machine

4.  Burning-diesel perfumed car airbags

3.  Bernard Madoff Money Changer

2.  Drunk sex breathalyzer-ignition chastity belt

1.  Electronic George W. Bush divining rod

Don’t forget to let me know (in the Comments) which one of these I should submit.