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Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that our rapidly ailing Democracy is suffering from schizophrenia? My other 16 personalities tend to agree.
Our Democracy, the best form of government money can buy (just ask China), flexed its
bipartisan bipolar muscle Friday night as the possibility of a government shutdown loomed over Corporate Hill. While watching whether our Do Nothing Congress was going to let the ball drop on the budget at the midnight hour, 16/17 of me wanted them to reach an agreement, thus averting the worst teabaggin’ in U.S. History.
Besides, that’s their damn job and why We’re paying these folks, right? Congress is the only profession in America that, due to its own incompetence, can legally allow itself to shut down while elected members still receive a paycheck without having to wait in an unemployment line.
Meanwhile, the other 1/17 of the multiple me, myselves and I wanted the government to shut down. If anything, I wanted to see how a shutdown would affect the free market, namely whether a spike in pitchforks and V (from Vendetta) mask sales would follow in the shutdown’s wake. You see, I’ve been harboring a secret fantasy of becoming a U.S. Senator without having to go through all the hassles of having to run a campaign and prostitute myself to raise money for potential
lobbyists pimps. After all, Congressional members are merely “Indentured Servants,” who serve corporate interests in exchange for campaign contributions, under-the-table Swedish massages and ringside seats at WWE Smackdown main events.
Had the government shut down, I could have slipped in through the chamber back door and become a Scab Senator, filling one of my representatives’ spots on the floor.
HELP WANTED: Scab Lawmakers
Job Description: Now hiring 535 temporary workers to fill striking lawmakers’ seats in Washington, D.C. Qualified applicants will be responsible for maintaining the
status quopolitics-as-usual; which include but is not limited to maintaining three war fronts, keep pretending health care costs will level off some day, sign blank checks to Military Industrial Complex, create more jobs overseas, pilfer Social Security cash box when nobody’s looking, craft more unconstitutional laws that will make judicial branch look like they’re legislating from the bench when they overturn them 10 years down the road, occasionally rotate environmental issues on backburners, add a new page to the tax code every day and write mean-spirited press releases that call members on the other side of aisle mean, albeit outdated names like Commie Stooge, Socialist, Right Wingnut, Bleeding-Heart Liberal, and Poopy-Head Jerk Face.
Qualifications: A pulse (formerly possessing a pulse will suffice, so as not to discriminate against current dead weight and card-carrying Zombies serving in Congress).
First 100 minutes: Since my livelihood on the Hill will be basking in uncertainty, should a scab opportunity ever arise, I will have to act fast — something that completely bucks the current dysfunctional system in D.C. That said I plan on sponsoring the following bills during my first 100 minutes in office.
I, Scab Senator Lindsey, hereby sponsor the following bills:
-Permanently banish “politics-as-usual” from the political lexicon, not just in name only;
-Make the Unites States a neutral country and auction the Pentagon on e-Bay;
-Move the White House and Corporate Hill to the center of the country, somewhere in the rural Midwest, and build a shark-infested mote around the perimeter to keep lobbyists from preying on my fellow scabs;
-Let Texas succeed from the Union, thus whitewashing the historical implications of 3 illegal wars enacted by Texas-born presidents;
-Continually broadcasting “Ally ally oxen free! Come out come out wherever you are!” around the globe until Osama bin Laden comes out of hiding and multinational corporations return jobs and tax-sheltered money they’ve hidden overseas.
Unfortunately, Congress and President Obama rammed a blunt pitchfork through my dreams at the 11th hour, so it looks like it’s back to my current government job (at least 7/16th of me) and politics-as-usual in D.C. on Monday.
I don’t imagine the 1.2 unemployed Americans waiting to see if their benefits will be extended another 30 days were amused by the latest episode of C-SPAN’s latest episode, “A Democracy of One,” on The Obstructionist (a spin-off from Seinfeld’s “show about nothing”) that aired the other night. If Seinfeld is a “show about nothing,” then The Obstructionist is “much adieu about nothing.”
Flying solo, Sen. Jim Bunning, R-Ky, hosted the show and, using an anti-democratic procedural maneuver, vowed to repeatedly block any attempts by the Senate to pass a bill that would extend unemployed benefits set to expire this weekend, despite overwhelming support from both sides of the Red-Ink Sea.
During a recent Congressional Hearing about nothing, Sen. Bunning of Kentucky uses hands to exaggerate size of his latest obstruction
But lo and behold, T.S. Bunning took the altar, stuck to his guns and objected to every attempt at trying to move forward with a vote on the bill – despite all the guilt trips left at his self-anointed feet. In fact, Sen. Jeff Merkely, D-Ore., even lowered himself to beg the Self-Anointed One, but ol’ Bunning would have none of it and replied: “Tough Shit.”
Others joined in with T.S. Bunning’s “Crusade on the Desolate,” claiming an extension of benefits will merely serve as a disincentive for these desolate people to actively seek employment. If there is a will, there’s a way right? All these folks have to do is find the Holy Grail and they will discover a stack of job applications weighted down by this glorified paper weight.
Ironically, what T.S. Bunning does not realize is that sitting on top of this illusionary heap is a stack of applications for “Do-Nothing Congressman.” Now there’s a job I would like to get my hands on. Who needs a REAL job when we can get paid to do nothing, not to mention we would get face-time on the TV to help market ourselves for a revolving-door lobbying job when we get tired of doing nothing all day long. Although as a lobbyist, we would have to shift from doing nothing to ensuring that other people do nothing.
It’s the “ensuring” part that sounds so exhausting, but when you consider your salary will grow exponentially and you’ll be able to abandon your measly Cadillac Health Insurance benefits for a Rolls-Royce policy that requires providers to pay you a co-payment every time you use their services, “ensuring” doesn’t sound so exhausting after all. So while the Desolate are out giving blood and donating plasma to help make ends meet, these fat cats are making bank on routine checkups for their kids. Unfortunately, T.S. Bunning is merely a cancerous speed bump in the current Obstructionist Movement that has spread through Congress and plagued the democratic process, which has evolved from Majority Rule to Super-Majority Rule.
Congress have become so dysfunctional (“How dysfunctional has it?”), Jerry Springer has requested to air his show live on the chamber floors as both sides of the aisle air their dirty laundry out on cable television while lawmakers in the peanut gallery flash their nipples (Don’t do it Barney, we’re begging you Mr. Frank…) for a set of beads and 15-minutes of fame on Jerry Springer’s uncut DVDs. Although no meaningful legislation will ever get enacted, at least Americans get a chance to watch old people smash chairs over each others’ heads and get restrained by formerly unemployed bouncers at D.C.’s swankiest gentlemen clubs.
I wish I worked for a company that had a policy wherein if one employee doesn’t like the direction the company is moving, he or she can call in sick and the rest of the employees get to stay home as well. I mean, do we really need a full-time Congress anymore? Couldn’t we get by with hiring temp politicians, so we could cut out all their benefits, beginning with health insurance?
Better yet, like rural communities who depend on a volunteer fire department, shouldn’t we turn to a volunteer Congress to keep our citizens safe – not only from what they do do but what they do not do as well. Either way, given the way Congress is currently run, it’s like playing Russian Roulette.
Another remedy to the current Obstructionist Movement would be to give Congress a transfusion and replace all of the obstructionists with scab politicians who are willing to cross the line and make money to feed their families. With around 10 percent of our workforce unemployed, I’m sure we could find plenty of qualified people to fill these seats. What job skills do you need besides saying “aye,” “nay” and occasionally having to read aloud a script composed by a team of lobbyists?
And if Sen. Bunning has a problem with scab politicians from Kentucky crossing the line and taking his non-job, I have two words for him: “Tough Shit!”
Originally posted on my evil step-sister site Political Fallout
Jon Stewart’s Take on Sen. Bunning: The GOP’s Next Top Obstructionist
|The Daily Show With Jon Stewart||Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c|
|Senate After Dark|
My favorite 4-letter F-word is, you guessed it: FREE.
Despite the cautionary advice that “nothing is free” or “you can’t get something for nothing,” I’m a sucker for free stuff. What can I say, I’m a public school teacher, and I know better than to jump into the middle of a rabid teacher scrum when post-it pads are at stake.
If anyone has mastered giving away free stuff with an invisible price tag attached, it’s Obama, Inc. Obama the Campaigner mastered giveaway marketing during his presidential bid and has lobbed these practices into his presidential money-raising strategy. During the campaign, my addiction to free-stuff helped me procure an “Obama ‘08” bumper sticker and button, neither of which I contributed any money — despite the accompanying solicitations for donations.
Regarding the latter, I will admit that I was thoroughly disappointed when my button showed up and it was the size of a quarter and could only be seen with satellite vision. I realize size isn’t supposed to matter, but I was too embarrassed to sport my new microscopic button in public, as if the button itself symbolized my free-stuff addiction. Either that or I had an affliction of button envy and was not about to compensate for my inadequacies by sporting a flag pin on the lapel of my collared t-shirt.
More recently, Obama, Inc. was giving away free bumper stickers to help push its health care reform through the dysfunctional aisles of Congress. All I had to do was sign a petition pledging my support for President Obama’s three principles for real heath care reform.
Unfortunately, I will have to wait 4-6 weeks until my free bumper sticker arrives. By then, the duct tape keeping my bumper attached to my car could become unglued, much like Obama’s health care objectives once they gets tied down with red tape and green lobby money in Congress. Although 6 weeks in Congress is a mere blink-of-the-eye in the big picture of getting things accomplished. As the old saying goes, “If you don’t like the way things are going in Congress, just wait a couple of years and you still won’t like the way things are going in Congress.”
In the meantime, I’ve decided to come up with my own bumper sticker ideas, one of which I may order from an online bumper-sticker company:
1. My Other Car Is a Health Insurance Payment
2. All I Wanted Was Real Health Care Reform, and All I Got Was This Lousy Bumper Sticker
Shit Cancer Bankruptcy Happens!
4. W.W.J.I.? (Who Would Jesus Insure?)
5. Coming to a Hospital Near You: Attack of the Right Wingnuts Socialized Health Scare
6. Underinsured Baby on Board
7. So it goes…!
8. FREE Obama’s Real Health Care Reform!!!
Feel F*** to vote for your favorite bumper slogan (or offer up your own, hence public option) in the COMMENTS below…
Wardrobe Malfunctions: Where’s the Justice?
The U.S. Supreme Court revived the infamous Janet-Jackson supposed wardrobe-malfunction case, ordering a lower-court (yeah, it sucks being on the bottom) to revisit the case. The FCC fined CBS $550,000 for indecent exposure when Janet Jackson’s nipple was exposed to 90 million viewers who tuned in to the 2004 Super Bowl halftime infomercial. Had it been her brother Michael who had exposed his nipple for the 9/16ths of a second, the FCC noted the fine would have been double.
The Supreme Court’s change of heart arose last week, when Justice Antonin Scalia, upon hearing that his left-leaning colleague Justice David Souter was planning on retiring after the current session, got so excited that his wardrobe malfunctioned, thus inadvertently exposing himself to the rest of the Court.
In the decision sent down to the lower court, Scalia briefly justified the decision to revisit the case: “Shit happens.” Off the record, Scalia said: “I haven’t been that excited since my good friend Dick Cheney nearly shot me in the face while duck hunting in Louisiana.”
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was unmoved by Scailia’s wardrobe malfunction and perfunctory responded: “I always knew Scalia was overcompensating for something.”
Justice Souter said he was flattered his announcement excited Scalia in such a fashion but was not swayed to stick around. “I still plan on retiring in June and heading to the remote woods of New Hampshire where I will give up deliberating and live deliberately,” Souter said.
Re-Branding: America’s New Improved Party Team
In an attempt to find and redefine itself, the Republican Party nixed a backpack trip across Europe and opted for a cross-country tour of America. Billed “Easy Repugs,” the GOP adopted the promotional phrase for their tour: “The GOP went looking for moderate Republicans in America and couldn’t find them anywhere.”
To help cope with its identity crisis and rebrand itself to younger voters, the Republican Party is considering changing its party’s name. The few remaining right-wing members suggested the following name changes to help recruit new followers: Hyperbole Party, Party of Know, Reagan Throwback Party, Focus on the Family Party, WTF Party or the Twitter Party.
In related news, the Dallas Cowboys, formerly known as “America’s Team,” decided it needs to recast itself after suffering from image problems the past couple of seasons. The marketing division, under the direction of owner Jerry Jones, decided to update the Cowboy’s name to “The New Improved Dallas Cowboys (Now 97% Jessica Simpson free).