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Feeling slighted by the Academy Awards snub of the box-office smash, “The Lego Movie”, which captured the imaginations of plastic enthusiasts across the globe as well as the anthropomorphic creatures residing in the Land of Chima, the movie’s co-director, Phil Lord, had his own response to the snub.
The movie’s cast, however, did not take the snub so lightly and wanted to send the Academy Awards committee a message
Supporters of “The Lego Movie” were outraged and plan on holding candlelight vigils across the Lego Land tonight, reminding everyone to remain calm and that Everything is Awesome!
Desperate to find any prospective jurors who have no knowledge or biases regarding the Boston Marathon bombings in 2013, Judge George A. O’Toole Jr. is thinking outside the judicial system and has opened the jury pool to jurists residing outside of Boston, inanimate objects and abstract ideals.
Nearly 3,000 prospective jurors were sequestered to a Boston courthouse Monday, the first day of Dzokahar Tsarnaev’s trial – the man accused of the terrorist bombings — only to be sent home after the first round of softball questions:
1. Do you have a pulse?
2. Do you or anyone you know own a television set?
3. Have you watched FOX News the past year?
4. Did you think Juror No. 3 in “Twelve Angry Men” was hot?
5. Can you spell Dzokahar Tsarnaev?
Feeling exasperated, Judge O’Toole drew from his Shakespearean Bag o’ Tricks and decided that desperate times called for desperate measures. “If we’re going to find somebody or something that has completely no idea what happened in Boston that day, we need to cast a bigger net and hopefully catch some bottom feeders who are completely oblivious to the media,” he said. “If this means sequestering people living outside of Boston and/or pulseless jurors, then so be it. Who’s to say that the latter does not constitute a jury of the accused’s peers?”
The judge’s plan worked the next round of sequestration and helped land the Holy Grail and World Peace on the jury, Jurors No. 1 and No. 2, respectively.
With regard to opening the pool outside of Boston, the Judge insisted that prospective jurors should meet all of the following criteria:
1. Must reside outside of Boston area
2. Have absolutely no knowledge of terrorist activity inside or outside of U.S. Borders since the 9/11 bombings in New York City
3. Have nothing to do for the next six months
The aforementioned criteria did manage to ensnare one unsuspecting patriot, former President George W. Bush, Jr. who will serve as Juror No. 3. Although in a handwritten statement, presumably scribed in crayons, Bush made it clear that he will conditionally serve on the jury, citing: “I will serve on the jury but there’s no way in Sam Hill I’m gonna sit next to that World Peace feller.”
It was only a matter of time before America’s love/hate relationship for the dead would rear its ugly head. America’s growing addiction to living vicariously through the dead — namely vampires, zombies and Keanu Reeves – took a stake in the heart last weekend in my hometown Iowa City, when an alleged zombie was physically assaulted at a restaurant for breaking dead Jim Crow laws, which were supposedly buried over fifty year ago – only to be resurrected in the 21st century.
In regard to mainstream America’s pop-lust for zombies (e.g. “Shaun of the Dead,” “Zombieland,” and The Rolling Stones), this lust has been fed from a distance, usually through two-dimensional mediums – unless you get your fix through a plasma television. But now that zombies are feeling more comfortable in their decaying, leathery skin, they are more inclined to come out of the idiot-box and expose themselves to the mainstream public, slowly dragging themselves across tabooed invisible lines and intermingling with the living.
“Brainnnzzzzzz…may I have the next dance with your juicy brain, sexy mortal?”
Such was the case at Panchero’s Mexican Restaurant in Iowa City when a patron, who for whatever reason felt threatened and called the victim a “zombie” before first punching him in the eye, then the nose – inevitably breaking the latter. Iowa City police are still searching for the suspect and Crimestoppers has offered a reward of $1000 (or the cash equivalency of pickled brains) for any information leading to the arrest of the suspect. To help bag the alleged zombie-beater, police have released the following photo captured by a security camera from a nearby blood bank:
Given when and where the alleged zombie attack took place should be a cause for grave concern. Most locals, dead and alive, know that Panchero’s is not a fertile breeding ground for zombies, especially amongst the after-hours drinking crowd, whose brains are stewed in cheap beer. Moreover, most of the clientele consist of hormonally-repressed college boys who were unable to score at several nearby meat-markets and need to fill the void with a two-pound burrito (your pun here). Granted, like most of their mortal counterparts who drink domestic beer by the pitcher, I’m guessing zombies also crave empty calories on occasion.
Because crimes perpetrated against zombies are rare (or are rarely reported by zombies; I’m guessing for every assault reported there are at least a 1000 that go unreported), news of the zombie assault was picked up by national news affiliates across the U.S. However, what the corporate-news lifeline failed to report is that Iowa City is a very welcoming community, especially when it comes to treating zombies as if they were alive and granting them the same rights and protections as their mortal counterparts.
Moreover, the zombie community has been more visibly active in Iowa City lately and refuses to stay underground — as if they were ashamed of being dead. To increase visibility during the daytime hours, the zombies staged a Zombie-Pride march in broad daylight in September, marching (if slowly dragging your clubbed feet counts as marching) from a local cemetery to downtown. They carried signs to ensure their voices could be heard, shouting lively chants such as “We’re zombies, we’re proud and we want to eat your brainzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”
Furthermore, to help zombies feel as if they fit in to the art scene, the Iowa City Community Theater staged “Zombie Prom” the past two weekends and encouraged zombies to out themselves and come to the musical in full regalia – a zombie coming-out party, if you will.
And since the attack, leaders from the zombie community and zombie sympathizers have publicly decried the senseless attack and are pressuring authorities to treat the assault as a hate crime. After all, zombies are fairly harmless, not to mention dead, yet some zombies who have been victims of assault still manage to maintain their compassion, as demonstrated by Freddy in “The Return of the Living Dead” when he was assaulted by Tina and said:
“See? You made me hurt myself again! I broke my hand off completely at the wrist this time, Tina! But that’s okay, Darlin’, because I love you, and that’s why you have to let me EAT YOUR BRAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIINS!”
Besides, if America is truly concerned about a new class of citizens eating the collective brains of our society, I think it is safe to say we’ve already been doing that for years – slowly eating our young from birth:
(Disclaimer: no brains were consumed, at least literally, during the penning of this post.)
Wardrobe Malfunctions: Where’s the Justice?
The U.S. Supreme Court revived the infamous Janet-Jackson supposed wardrobe-malfunction case, ordering a lower-court (yeah, it sucks being on the bottom) to revisit the case. The FCC fined CBS $550,000 for indecent exposure when Janet Jackson’s nipple was exposed to 90 million viewers who tuned in to the 2004 Super Bowl halftime infomercial. Had it been her brother Michael who had exposed his nipple for the 9/16ths of a second, the FCC noted the fine would have been double.
The Supreme Court’s change of heart arose last week, when Justice Antonin Scalia, upon hearing that his left-leaning colleague Justice David Souter was planning on retiring after the current session, got so excited that his wardrobe malfunctioned, thus inadvertently exposing himself to the rest of the Court.
In the decision sent down to the lower court, Scalia briefly justified the decision to revisit the case: “Shit happens.” Off the record, Scalia said: “I haven’t been that excited since my good friend Dick Cheney nearly shot me in the face while duck hunting in Louisiana.”
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was unmoved by Scailia’s wardrobe malfunction and perfunctory responded: “I always knew Scalia was overcompensating for something.”
Justice Souter said he was flattered his announcement excited Scalia in such a fashion but was not swayed to stick around. “I still plan on retiring in June and heading to the remote woods of New Hampshire where I will give up deliberating and live deliberately,” Souter said.
Re-Branding: America’s New Improved Party Team
In an attempt to find and redefine itself, the Republican Party nixed a backpack trip across Europe and opted for a cross-country tour of America. Billed “Easy Repugs,” the GOP adopted the promotional phrase for their tour: “The GOP went looking for moderate Republicans in America and couldn’t find them anywhere.”
To help cope with its identity crisis and rebrand itself to younger voters, the Republican Party is considering changing its party’s name. The few remaining right-wing members suggested the following name changes to help recruit new followers: Hyperbole Party, Party of Know, Reagan Throwback Party, Focus on the Family Party, WTF Party or the Twitter Party.
In related news, the Dallas Cowboys, formerly known as “America’s Team,” decided it needs to recast itself after suffering from image problems the past couple of seasons. The marketing division, under the direction of owner Jerry Jones, decided to update the Cowboy’s name to “The New Improved Dallas Cowboys (Now 97% Jessica Simpson free).
While “The Onion: America’s
Finest Only News Source” and “FOX News: Fair and UnBalanced” have cornered the market on the faux news industry, the line between reality and absurdity has become increasingly blurred.
To help illustrate this, I’ve pirated the following photos off of the FOX News Web site and included the matching news headline. In addition I’ve included SSF Faux News Headlines and it’s your job, dear Reader, to pick which one is the real headline. (Correct answers provided in the Comments section)
A) Whole Foods Latest Grocer Swallowed Whole by Economic Python
B) ‘World’s Deadliest Spider’ Found in Whole Foods Produce Section
C) Rush Limbaugh Calls Whole Foods ‘Liberal Meat-Market for the Rich’
A) Obama Reaches Out to Iran, Looks for Engagement
B) Despite Threats, Obama Looking to End Bush’s Messy Divorce with Iran
C) Obama Courts Iranians with YouTube Video
A) Chicago Family Claims ‘Bitch’ Abandoned by Obamas 2 Years Ago
B) Therapy Dog ‘Leg Go’ from Senior Nursing Home to Help Muzzle Costs
C) Feeling Financial Heat, North Carolina Family Dog Eats Owner’s Money
A) After Hearing Obama’s Special Olympic Joke on Leno, Special Olympic Swimmer Drowns Self
B) Surveillance Camera Captures Hotel Lifeguard Sitting Idle in Wheelchair during Drowning
C) Ohio Transgender Woman Sentenced to Death 4 Year in Prison for Exercising Husband to Death
The envelope please: And the winner of this year’s Oscar for “Best Abduction of the Academy Awards Unbeknownst to Hollywood” goes to…Australia.
That’s right folks, the fix is in, but the filmmakers down-under could not have pulled off the largest gold heist in Hollywood alone.
The envelope please: And the winner of this year’s Oscar for “Best Support Abduction of the Academy Awards Unbeknownst to Hollywood” goes to…England.
While Academy members sat around stroking their Hollywood-sized, sequined egos, Australian front-man Hugh Jackman orchestrated the abduction, distracting them with cheeky song and dance numbers while his Aussie posse cleaned house.
“Look everyone, nothing up my sleeves…”
Jackman, when not subliminally pitching his un-nominated self-titled Australian propaganda film “Australia,” seduced television viewers with his Australian accent, which he borrowed indefinately from his English predecessors — who reluctantly surrendered the King’s English to America, so we could butcher it accordingly.
Meanwhile, the “Slumdog Millionaire” clan led the Oscar abduction charge, nabbing eight of the gold Oscar statues, which at the time of this post had already been melted down into Australian and British currency and prepped for final shipping.
“Slumdog Millionaire” serves as the perfect allegory for this Oscarnapping, which, if discovered, is destined to launch a thousand sailboats from the United States nautical team. Here we have a story about fate, destiny, and the power of hope captured on screen by descendents of exiled penal colonists from England, who go to one of England’s former colonies to exploit the formerly colonized citizens for mega-profits in America and boomeranged back to Australia. What more could you ask for, other than a living wage for the film’s extras.
But the Slumdog Millionaire Aussie posse could not have pulled this off without help from down-under and up above, by which I mean fellow Aussie Heath Ledger who won an Oscar posthumously for Best Supporting Abductor – a fitting award for The Joker.
Moreover, the Aussie’s picked up an assist from descendents of their former wardens from afar, the bloody Englanders, who picked up three tasty gold nuggets with Kate Winslet. ames Marsh, and Danny Boyle’s Oscar chicanery.
Follow the gold and you’ll find that the yellow brick road not only leads out of Hollywood, but America as well. It’s only a matter of time before Hollywood will be completely outsourced to Australia, so you mates be sure to stay tuned for the 82nd Academy awards broadcast out of Sydney.