Pandemic Ghost of COVID-Future : Boys, girls, and gender neutrals, I remember my first pandemic as if it were only yesterday… Gather ’round the Hologram fire, sit down on your social-distance squares and let me tell you about the Pre-COVID golden days back when people shook hands, most Americans couldn’t pronounce bidet, and household disinfectants were not one of the four major food groups*.
(*Sarcasm Disclaimer: Under no uncertain terms does the Say Something Funny Administration suggest or condone the injection of household disinfectants (e.g. Lysol, bootleg whiskey. etc.) as preventive care or a remedy for the Covid-19 virus. If unsure whether anything in an SSF post is supposed to be taken literally or sarcastically, please do call the Sarcasm Hotline: 1-WHAT-DA-FUCK. Our operators will be standing by to take your calls and listen to your concerns.)
Pandemic Ghost of COVID-Present (COVID blocks Pandemic Ghost of COVID Future): However, before you listen to more yarns of conspiracy theories and the COVID Disinformation Center (C.D.C.) lifts the temporary ban on the future, we need to begin hoarding some of the messages that Covid-19 has already taught us.
Lesson No. 1: 10 Seasons of The Walking Dead Have Taught Us Nothing
When I first watched The Walking Dead, I knew it was prophecy at first sight. Having seen my share of the Walking Living, I knew that shit was about to get real and the Zombies were not only an existential threat to our way of life but a living metaphor for whatever pandemic was Amazon primed from above to pick up where Jesus and other prophets had failed us. The Walking Dead is the new and improved Testament and Rick Grimes is the new Messiah. Unfortunately, the Walking Living, in particular Red-White-and-Blue Blooded Americans, have mastered the art of ignoring awful truths at their own peril.
While Rick and his disciples spend most of the early seasons scouring abandoned pharmacies and box stores for penicillin and ammunition, the today’s Walking Living spent the early stages questing and fighting over toilet paper. That’s right folks, squeezable Charmin Ultra-Soft Asswipe had become the Holy Grail of the new Pandemic.
During the first season of COVID-19, state governments urged citizens to adopt voluntary house arrest, so they could sit in the comfort of their own homes watch the federal and state governments slowly unravel on television and the internet. Messiah Rick and his Disciples faced a similar debate early on as to whether they should stay or go – eventually opting for a hybrid model. Meanwhile, the carefully cast Noahs arc of diversity was not content with Anarchy or Libertarianism, so they went window shopping and tried on new governments to see if they could find one size that fits all. Like a band of fickle teenagers, they were never satisfied:
Teen Extra 1: “OMG, this Dictatatorhip makes me feel so secure but there’s something about that Governor dude and his creepy eye patch that makes my skin crawl.”
Teen Extra 2: “I know, right. l and, like, totally makes my skin break out in rashes.
Teen Extra 1: “Besides, I’m like more of Self-Sustaining, Cooperative Living Minimalist kinda girl.”
Teen Extra 2: “Fo’ sure.. Could you hand me some of those abandoned holy jeans and sweaters?”
Teen Extra 1: “Totes retro…”
In less than three months of COVID-19, we’ve learned that our current form of Democracy is no better than a pair of old-school, holy jeans. While they look Chic on the outside, all it takes is a major storm to hit for us to realize that the majority of Americans are a few threads away from being pantless (hence, the birth of Zoom video conferencing, where pants are optional). Leading up to the pandemic, both sides of Democracy’s aisle decried Socialism as the faux patch to our social fabric, only to adopt its’s tenets when the government quickly unraveled.
And now that the Libertarian seeds of dissent have had time to sprout conspiracy theories percolating from the Alt-right wing of the Dark Web and take root in voluntary captivity, it’s time for the Dead to unplug, tear off their masks, and take to the empty streets to demand the return of Freedom. Let the Zombie Apocalypse begin!
All signs, figurative and literal, point to the end of the world as we know it…
“Haircuts are a right, not a privilege!”
“Science is Satan’s Pawn!”
“Our ignorence is not 4 cell. You cant by our silence 4 $1,200!”
“Four Legs Good, Two Legs Bad!”
“Life is a Beach, not a DEATH SENTENCE!”