The American Scab Dream: Will Work for Congressional Crumbs

Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that our rapidly ailing Democracy is suffering from schizophrenia? My other 16 personalities tend to agree.

Our Democracy, the best form of government money can buy (just ask China), flexed its bipartisan bipolar muscle Friday night as the possibility of a government shutdown loomed over Corporate Hill. While watching whether our Do Nothing Congress was going to let the ball drop on the budget at the midnight hour, 16/17 of me wanted them to reach an agreement, thus averting the worst teabaggin’ in U.S. History.

Besides, that’s their damn job and why We’re paying these folks, right? Congress is the only profession in America that, due to its own incompetence, can legally allow itself to shut down while elected members still receive a paycheck without having to wait in an unemployment line.

Meanwhile, the other 1/17 of the multiple me, myselves and I wanted the government to shut down. If anything, I wanted to see how a shutdown would affect the free market, namely whether a spike in pitchforks and V (from Vendetta) mask sales would follow in the shutdown’s wake. You see, I’ve been harboring a secret fantasy of becoming a U.S. Senator without having to go through all the hassles of having to run a campaign and prostitute myself to raise money for potential lobbyists pimps. After all, Congressional members are merely “Indentured Servants,” who serve corporate interests in exchange for campaign contributions, under-the-table Swedish massages and ringside seats at WWE Smackdown main events.

Had the government shut down, I could have slipped in through the chamber back door and become a Scab Senator, filling one of my representatives’ spots on the floor.

The Next Rat In: D.C or Bust!

HELP WANTED: Scab Lawmakers

Job Description: Now hiring 535 temporary workers to fill striking lawmakers’ seats in Washington, D.C. Qualified applicants will be responsible for maintaining the status quo politics-as-usual; which include but is not limited to maintaining three war fronts, keep pretending health care costs will level off some day, sign blank checks to Military Industrial Complex, create more jobs overseas, pilfer Social Security cash box when nobody’s looking, craft more unconstitutional laws that will make judicial branch look like they’re legislating from the bench when they overturn them 10 years down the road, occasionally rotate environmental issues on backburners, add a new page to the tax code every day and write mean-spirited press releases that call members on the other side of aisle mean, albeit outdated names like Commie Stooge, Socialist, Right Wingnut, Bleeding-Heart Liberal, and Poopy-Head Jerk Face.

Qualifications: A pulse (formerly possessing a pulse will suffice, so as not to discriminate against current dead weight and card-carrying Zombies serving in Congress).

First 100 minutes: Since my livelihood on the Hill will be basking in uncertainty, should a scab opportunity ever arise, I will have to act fast — something that completely bucks the current dysfunctional system in D.C. That said I plan on sponsoring the following bills during my first 100 minutes in office.

I, Scab Senator Lindsey, hereby sponsor the following bills:

-Permanently banish “politics-as-usual” from the political lexicon, not just in name only;

-Make the Unites States a neutral country and auction the Pentagon on e-Bay;

-Move the White House and Corporate Hill to the center of the country, somewhere in the rural Midwest, and build a shark-infested mote around the perimeter to keep lobbyists from preying on my fellow scabs;

-Let Texas succeed from the Union, thus whitewashing the historical implications of 3 illegal wars enacted by Texas-born presidents;

-Continually broadcasting “Ally ally oxen free! Come out come out wherever you are!” around the globe until Osama bin Laden comes out of hiding and multinational corporations return jobs and tax-sheltered money they’ve hidden overseas.

Unfortunately, Congress and President Obama rammed a blunt pitchfork through my dreams at the 11th hour, so it looks like it’s back to my current government job (at least 7/16th of me) and politics-as-usual in D.C. on Monday.

2 responses to “The American Scab Dream: Will Work for Congressional Crumbs

  1. Wow. This was a very engaging read. I heard about this thing happening and I couldn’t believe anything like this could ever happen. I thought I was being misinformed. I think I first heard about it 1 day before it happened. And then I heard about it again, that it didn’t happen. I think I heard something on the radio, some commentary. I feel like asking myself, “How do I feel about this?”

    Well, I guess you could say I feel pretty decent. Maybe, instinctively, intuitively, I was the other way around, 16/17 wanting it to shut down so I’d never have to listen to 2 or more people talking politics again. Neutrality seems like the way to go. Neutrality breeds spiritual tennis players (think Roger Federer). Imagine it: Politely leaving the casino table of World Domination, just standing up and tucking your chair under the green-and-blue felt table table (think The World) and ironing down the seat of your pants as you walk out the door and breathe clean air cleanly for the first time ever.

    You don’t have agoraphobia. Be very grateful for that. Because isn’t there something that gets pulled off your chest when you walk outside and look around at sky everywhere? (But if I keep on going like this I’ll lose any reader I may have: The pitfalls of digression.)

    I came here mainly to ask the author of this blog, Senator Lindsey, if there is any interest in syndicating this post on TheOpenEnd. Only because I like this moment in history, I think it gives me pause, makes me reflect on the true nature of things, and I’m not nearly informed or eloquent enough to get something like this ‘piece’ out of me.

    Thanks for letting me read this.

  2. Not sure how exactly it happened, but I just read your first paragraph again.

    “Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that our rapidly ailing Democracy is suffering from schizophrenia? My other 16 personalities tend to agree. ”

    I came back to this. It’s a packed first paragraph. A lot is communicated in 2 sentences. That’s the way I see it.


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