Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Has March Madness

Much to the chagrin of corporate CEOs and mid-level management, March Madness is set to tip off, which means nothing substantive will be accomplished at the workplace the next two days. You know, kind of like another day at the office for Congress. In fact, one firm recently estimated that employers will lose $3.8 billion dollars in wages paid to workers following the games and tracking their brackets. (I wonder how much time this firm wasted trying to figure that out and whether those were billable hours?)

$3.8 billion dollars!!! Holy Dick Vitale, that’s a lot of money! That’s like 4 barrels of oil in today’s economy.

"Show me the Iraq, baby..."

And those estimates were pre- iPhones & Smartphones and before CBS decided to stream ALL the games online.

I’ll admit that I do get excited about the Big Dance waltzing across multiple screens, especially when the first round coincides with St. Paddy’s Day. I had my March Madness bracket finished within 30 minutes after the pairings were announced. Ironically, I have Charlie Sheen taking out Colonel Qaddafi in the final round.

Since most workplace Internet surfers don’t have time to read this online during timeouts while the Bossman isn’t looking over your shoulder, I will get to this week’s David Letterman’s Late Show Online Top Ten Contest entry. But I am not going alone, Dear Reader. I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

This Week’s Topic: Top Ten* Signs Your Neighbor Has March Madness

10. Pursuing an advanced degree in Bracketology

9. He always seemed so quiet and kept to himself, so was quite a shock to all of us when we heard he went March Madness at the office

8. President Obama called and asked him to “step down”

7. Stopped playing Sudoku

7. Built makeshift shrine to Cinderella underneath plasma television capped with name of Cinderella pick tucked into soul of wife’s missing shoe*

6. Hired Nurse Ratched to help administer buzzer-beater anxiety meds and keep beer flowing intravenously

Time for your 4th quarter meds, Mr. ______________.

5. Has the Virgin Mary going all the way

4. Had lawyer bracket last will and testament among 64 friends and family members

3. UPS truck delivered 2 hookers and 4 cases of Tigers’ Blood day before tournament

2. Named newborn twin daughters Jim Nantz and Clark Kellogg

1. Started breaking out in portrait style tattoos of Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson and Irwin “Fletch” Fletcher

Get your limited-edition Fletch tattoo while supples last.

*The second No. 7 was written while under the influence of Tigers’ Blood — the unofficial drink of March Madness.

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

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