Top Ten Things That May Have Killed Michael Jackson

Michael The Thriller in Vanilla Jackson:  1958 -- 2009

Michael "The Thriller in Vanilla" Jackson: 1958 -- 2009

The King of Pop is dead, but like his missing glove, how he died remains shrouded in mystery, pending today’s autopsy. Speculation in Hollyplastic and around the world has already been a Twitter.

While Say Something Funny does not condone the exploitation of tragedy, we are not immune to the art of speculation – a euphemism for “we don’t know what the fuck we are talking about, but as long as there are folks who will listen to us talk about what the fuck we don’t know, we will keep espousing what the fuck we don’t know about (see blueprint for 24-hour news model).”

That said, here’s Say Something Funny’s speculation as to what may have (note passive voice here for litigation purposes) happened to the late Michael Jackson:

Top Ten “Things” That May Have Killed Michael Jackson

10. Overdosed on toxic combination of pigmentation pills and LaToya’s Psychic Network.

9. Overexerted himself moonwalking on treadmill.

8. Long-distance marriage to former wife Lisa Marie Presley finally caught up with him.

7. Copycat Death: Died of asphyxiation while listening to “Beat It” and paying an autoerotic tribute to late “Kung Fu” star David Carradine.

6. Bubbles, his pet chimp, unplugged his hyperbaric oxygen chamber.

While reminiscing about the salad days, Bubbles denies any rumored reports that he had any role in his masters death.

While reminiscing about the salad days, Bubbles denies any rumored reports that he had any role in his master's death.

5. Inhaling too much marijuana* while watching “The Wiz” and listening to Pink Floyd’s ‘The Dark Side of the Moon” from the point of the Cowardly Lion’s roar — not realizing it would have the same effects had he been watching the original “The Wizard of Oz”.

*Autopsy will show that it was hyperventilation, not the marijuana that killed him.

4. Late-night Demerol binge – at least that’s the story the Jackson family wants you to believe.

3. President Barack Obama (give the right wingnuts a few days to connect the dots here and spew how Obama’s somehow to blame on their radio outlets).

2. Withdrawals of media attention.

1. Michael Jackson is not dead, rather he was abducted by Peter Pan and the Lost Boys, who took him back to Neverland, where he can play out the childhood that was originally stolen from him.

Rest in Peace, Michael

5 responses to “Top Ten Things That May Have Killed Michael Jackson

  1. here’s my 2 cents: he realized he wasn’t michael jackson anymore.

  2. We feel that Michael Jackson has left us so early, with just his music and our memories. Our prayers go out to his family. I love you so much, and never got the chance to go to a concert. I honestly think you

  3. I tend to agree with herocious in the sense that MJ had died a long time ago. I turn to the lines from the Rolling Stones’ song “Sympathy for the Devil” for answers: “Who killed the Kennedys? When after all it was you and me.” Like the Kennedys, our media-induced obsession with making idols out of human beings is to blame. MJ truly is an American tragic figure, regardless of how the latter part of his life panned out.

  4. This list is a real groaner. Aside from the questionable taste it’s just not funny.

    Yes, many people are way too deferent towards celebrity, but it is pretty far-fetched to suggest this is the main reason for how his life turned out. In the end we all have to take responsibility for our own lives, no matter what factors-seen and unseen- have shaped our ends.

    Besides, Jackson was able to push the media and, by proxy, the public around too. It was he, or at least his camp, who strong-armed the press into calling him “The King of Pop”- and making them repeat it until it stuck. He chose to try and make himself into a larger and larger icon.

    Blame the press, blame the public. These are weak excuses. He wasn’t complaining when he was getting positive reviews and enjoying record-breaking sales. He wasn’t a powerless person. He just made bad decisions.

  5. No one can kill Michael. His loving And kind to all,except for the press.

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