The King of Pop is dead, but like his missing glove, how he died remains shrouded in mystery, pending today’s autopsy. Speculation in Hollyplastic and around the world has already been a Twitter.
While Say Something Funny does not condone the exploitation of tragedy, we are not immune to the art of speculation – a euphemism for “we don’t know what the fuck we are talking about, but as long as there are folks who will listen to us talk about what the fuck we don’t know, we will keep espousing what the fuck we don’t know about (see blueprint for 24-hour news model).”
That said, here’s Say Something Funny’s speculation as to what may have (note passive voice here for litigation purposes) happened to the late Michael Jackson:
Top Ten “Things” That May Have Killed Michael Jackson
10. Overdosed on toxic combination of pigmentation pills and LaToya’s Psychic Network.
9. Overexerted himself moonwalking on treadmill.
8. Long-distance marriage to former wife Lisa Marie Presley finally caught up with him.
7. Copycat Death: Died of asphyxiation while listening to “Beat It” and paying an autoerotic tribute to late “Kung Fu” star David Carradine.
6. Bubbles, his pet chimp, unplugged his hyperbaric oxygen chamber.
5. Inhaling too much marijuana* while watching “The Wiz” and listening to Pink Floyd’s ‘The Dark Side of the Moon” from the point of the Cowardly Lion’s roar — not realizing it would have the same effects had he been watching the original “The Wizard of Oz”.
*Autopsy will show that it was hyperventilation, not the marijuana that killed him.
4. Late-night Demerol binge – at least that’s the story the Jackson family wants you to believe.
3. President Barack Obama (give the right wingnuts a few days to connect the dots here and spew how Obama’s somehow to blame on their radio outlets).
2. Withdrawals of media attention.
1. Michael Jackson is not dead, rather he was abducted by Peter Pan and the Lost Boys, who took him back to Neverland, where he can play out the childhood that was originally stolen from him.
Rest in Peace, Michael