Top Ten Bernie Madoff Tips for Investing (An Exercise in Futility)

For a cool $50 billion, Bernie Madoff managed to buy Satan's vacated seat in hell

Unlike trying to find a consistent pattern in winning Powerball lottery numbers, the Late Show’s Online Top Ten Contest winners have become increasingly more predictable in recent weeks. All of the Big Three — Joaquin Phoenix, Paul Blart, and Bernie Madoff – reared their heads in last week’s winning list.

However, I am starting to think the Top Ten Contest, like the Powerball, is rigged. Everyone knows that Big Brother created and rigs the Powerball Lottery to keep the masses distracted from perpetual metaphoric wars, covert and otherwise, and to pump a steady stream of hope into the poor masses — so they don’t rise up and overthrow the government. Duh…

Following suit, Letterman’s producers created the Top Ten Contest to give online readers the illusion that CBS actually cares what we think, or in my case, feeding my illusions of grandeur that one day Letterman’s people will discover me and offer me a job writing for the “Late Show.”

Last week, I incorporated two-thirds of the Big Three in my list of possible entries for the topic, “Top Ten Surprising Items in the Economic Bailout Plan,” but did not submit either one of them to the official contest. Instead I submitted the only vote-getter: “All banking CEOs get to pass Go and collect $2 million, split Free Parking pot and will receive one get-out-of-jail-free card.”

Fast forward to this week, and I refuse to be tempted by the Big Three, however, I have no choice this week since the list’s topic is an homage to Bernie Madoff. Moreover, I’m unwilling to let go of my illusions of grandeur, for this is what compels me to get out of bed every morning – at least I think it’s a bed.

Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility. That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list: Top Ten Bernie Madoff Tips for Investing

10. It takes other peoples’ money to make money

9. Buy stock in prisons

8. Everything I know about investing I learned from Jim Cramer on CNBC’s “Mad Money”

7. When the Feds come a knockin, start flushin’ the stock down

6. Screw Amway, think Ponzi

5. Avoid brokers with un-fortuitous names like Les Steele, Ben Had, or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

4. When SEC’s not looking, switch Invisible Hand with Invisible Monkey’s Paw

3. Buy low, sell often

2. Trade all shares labeled “Made in USA” for shares labeled “Owned by China”

1. Send me a check for $10,000, and I will send you the real top ten tips

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.