The Second Helping of Cheesus H. Christ

Most active practitioners of Christianity, meaning those who attend church more than twice a year and have read the Cliffs’ Notes of the Bible at the very least, are convinced their Savior is coming back to earth to fulfilling a plethora of prophecies, resurrect the dead and go on “Oprah” to set the record straight.

These true believers also agree that their Messiah will come in disguise, but what they cannot agree upon is what Jesus will be wearing to the mortal masquerade. While most fall into the fish camp, others argue He will come disguised as an old beggar, an intellectually-challenged child or an Elvis impersonator.

In the meantime, these folks dedicate their lives to simply waiting and pass the time searching for signs foreshadowing His arrival — whether its Jesus revealing himself in a cornfield in Iowa, a sun-spotted image of the Virgin Mary sprayed across a building in Clearwater, Florida, or through a Cheeto created in his likeness and discovered in Houston — just in the nick of time.

A couple of years ago, while snacking on a bag of Cheetos, a youth director in Houston discovered the Jesus-like Cheeto and dubbed him “Cheesus.”

For the love of Cheesus, the Second Helping has arrived:

For me, this video is proof enough that the Second Coming has arrived; consequently I must pause and pen a love sonnet in praise of the Almighty Cheesus, thus sparing any cheese-flavored fire and brimstone from falling down and consuming my sorry sinister ass.

Praise Cheesus: Or Forgive Me Cheesus, For I Have Sinned

Dare I consume the Cheeto Messiah?
Who art more cheesy for sheesy than need be
Smellin’ of bliss and canned Swiss Vel-veetah?
Your funk oozes its orange liquid cheese-E.
Cheeto-Puff Daddy breathes life into you,
Resurrecting the cheddar of your soul;
Which breeds angelic wings fluttering to
My cheese-ball toil buried in a bowl.
You are my cheese-master funk puppeteer
Pulling the string cheeses hooked in my heart —
Carved in thirty pieces, betrayal near,
So watch yo’ back before it’s pulled apart.
Oh sweet Cheesus H. Christ Superstar!
Our love crucified and served in a jar.

Whew! That should buy me some time to develop and implement a redemption plan, which begins with purchasing a W.W.C.D? (What Would Cheesus Do?) bracelet. This should help me through uncertain times when my judgment is clouded with artificial preservatives and Chester Cheetah is tempting me to the Orange Side of the Force.

Thank Cheesus that minister had enough sense not to eat Cheesus and preserve Him. I wonder what I would have done, had I been in the same situation.

Better yet, “What Would Cheesus Do?” if he found his own likeness in a Cheeto?

I suspect he would do as I would have done: Eat it without a second thought.

Before you get all judgmental on me, I implore you to digest the following words: “Let he who is without sin, eat the first Cheeto.”

So tell me, are your hands clean?

No need to respond, your orange-stained fingers speak volumes.

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