Top Ten Joaquin Phoenix Excuses for His Behavior

Once again my quest to win David Letterman’s Online Top Ten Contest came up short last week. In the meantime my obsession to win the Holy “Late show Online” t-shirt has begun to wane, so I’ve decided to up the ante by forming an exploratory committee into whether I should officially launch a grassroots’ campaign to land a freelance job writing for Letterman.

Temporary default slogan: “Will Write for Letterman”

Sure I will keep indulging my weekly exercise in futility by cranking out a Top Ten List, but only as a means of laying the ground work for my possible campaign.

Speaking of which, this week’s Top Ten Contest topic stems from a recent guest appearance by Joaquin Phoenix, or at least somebody alleging to be Joaquin Phoenix. To get some of the back story, check out the following clip:

Joaquin Phoenix on David Letterman (Feb. 11, 2009)

Despite a record-low voter turnout for last week’s attempt, I will continue my quest to win the Holy Late Show Online t-shirt. But again, I cannot do this alone— so I’m soliciting your help, dear Reader. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

This week’s list: Top Ten Joaquin Phoenix Excuses for His Behavior

10.  Still thinks he’s Johnny Cash

9.  Real Joaquin Phoenix abducted by Tom Cruise and Scientologist minions

8.  P.E.T.A. made him do it

7.  Thought he was auditioning for “Witness” sequel extra

6.  Hoping to inspire a Top Ten List

5.  Experimenting with new hip-hop persona, Bearded Ice

4.  Attempting to channel spirit of Andy Kaufman

3.  Who needs excuses when you’re generating more press

2.  Trying to conceal secret crush on Letterman

1.  Recently entered Hollywood’s witness relocation program

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

5 responses to “Top Ten Joaquin Phoenix Excuses for His Behavior

  1. I’d go with #1, although I might call it “Hollywood’s actor relocation program” instead.

  2. Good call, Matt. That was what I originally had.

  3. Hello, T.M. Lindsey, I am starting a new tshirt company called Emotitees. I am looking for someone funny to bounce ideas off for tshirts and you want to work for Lettermen. Maybe we can help each other out to get exposure. I am in Colorado. Would you have an interest, other comedians are coming on board with me. Thanks Randy Young

  4. Funny post. Liked it. So… let me get this straight. This successful movie actor is creating a fictional joaquin phoenix who is going to become a rapper, releasing, in the process, an as-of-yet titled documentary on the making of his rapping joaquin phoenix, and then after its release, the creator, Joaquin Phoenix, is going back to movie acting? How bizarre.

    For more information on the hip-hop journey of Joaquin Phoenix, check TOE’s post out:

    ::the open end::

  5. I found out the REAL reason: depressed after getting reamed out by Christian Bale

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