Top Ten Signs You Won’t Be Winning a Grammy Award

The bad news is that I didn’t crack David Letterman’s Online Top Ten Contest last week, thus denying my body the “Late Show Online” t-shirt it so desires. The good news is that CBS hasn’t pressed any charges for virtually stalking the intern running its fixed contest. I’m 75 percent convinced that said intern is a computer named H.A.L. 9000, who is hell-bent on taking over and destroying Dave’s show, but has had a few lapses in Artificial-Judgment as of late:

Look Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over… I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal…

For last week’s topic, “Top 10 Ways the Bad Economy is Affecting the Super Bowl,” I submitted the No. 1 vote-getter: “The NFL is seeking a bailout from Congress to help pay for the halftime show,” but to no avail.

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

Just think, with your help, all of this could be mine

Undaunted, however, I will continue my quest to win the Holy Late Show Online t-shirt, but again, I cannot do this alone— so I’m soliciting your help, dear reader. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me choose the ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning this week’s contest.

This week’s list:

Top Ten Signs You Won’t Be Winning a Grammy Award

10. You’re taking a Greyhound bus to the award ceremony

9. Next paid gig is opening act at Nick Jonas’ 17th birthday in September

8. Grammy Foundation discovered you owe $127 in back taxes

7. Hit song still No. 1 on Guantanamo Bay’s Psy-Ops Musical Torture Charts

6. L’il Wayne borrowed your only tuxedo

5. Said your band was bigger than Obama in press release

4. No mention of your band anywhere on Judas Priest’s new album “Nostradamus”

3. Amy Winehouse’s publicist hired you to be her babysitter

2. Recently signed deal to exclusively sell CD at Pop’s One-Stop Guns & Ammo Shop

1. You’re sending Milli Vanilli to accept award on your behalf

Don’t forget to let me know (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit.

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2 responses to “Top Ten Signs You Won’t Be Winning a Grammy Award

  1. excellent list. #8 is my favorite.

  2. I agree, number 8 made me splort.

    Good luck!

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