SPAM Prevention 101: If you can read or eat this, you are obviously drunk

Whether it’s consciously eating a can o’ SPAM or trying to decipher the hieroglyphics posing as electronic-spam prevention codes, you have to be drunk to successfully complete either task.

Rarely do I enter the correct anti-spam code on the first time. Whether the letters or letter-number combos are blurred, Siamese letters that share the same backbone, or have random tails or kerchiefs scripted on them, I’m convinced you have to be under the influence of alcohol to actually read them.

When cracked under the influence of whiskey, this code actually says "SATAN'S REVENGE"

When cracked under the influence of whiskey, this code actually says "SATAN'S REVENGE"

Consequently, I keep a full supply of whiskey nearby in case I cannot crack the code.

(Note: This entire post was composed under the influence of alcohol and a moderate serving of SPAM.)

Just say "NO" to SPAM and booze! (official slogan of M.A.D.S. -- Mothers Against Drunk SPAMmers)

Just say "NO" to SPAM and booze! (official slogan of M.A.D.S. -- Mothers Against Drunk SPAMmers)

Speaking of which, had I read the Surgeon General’s Warning printed in .2 font on the bottom of the can, I would have known better than mixing booze and SPAM together.

Surgeon General’s Warning: SPAM contains a number of unidentifiable chemicals and is a gateway artificial meat that leads to the consumption of bigger, more dangerous artificial meats. Pregnant women caving to SPAM cravings during the third trimester may give birth to a seven-pound Golden Honey Grail SPAM. Overconsumption or habitual abuse of SPAM may result in abuser to indulge in writing SPAM Haikus.

Fortunately, I’m not pregnant and only ate seven cans of SPAM.

The writing of this post was interrupted by an impulse to write SPAM Haikus:

Inbred pork and ham.
Fluids copulate, ferment
Together, forever.

The forbidden meat.
Who opened Spamdora’s Box?
Hope drowned in SPAM juice.

Now where was I…?

Post Epilogue: SPAM and electronic-spamming share more than the recipient’s dependency on alcohol. The term “spamming” derived its name from a Monty Python Flying Circus comedy sketch on SPAM, which targeted the Brit’s World War II cuisine. For whatever reason SPAM flew under the RAF’s radar for rationed meats, probably because it’s not meat.

Monty Python’s Flying Circus: “SPAM”

In the marketing spirit of “there is no such advertising as bad advertising,” Hormel, the fine makers of SPAM not only refused to have their marriage to lower-caps spam annulled but have actually embraced it as well with the Spamalot Musical and SPAMALOT game.

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One response to “SPAM Prevention 101: If you can read or eat this, you are obviously drunk

  1. I’d like to think that when people get to the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter asks them questions about their lives, the first one he asks is this:

    “Spam or Spam Light”?

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