Keep your hands off my drugs, Big Brother

This year, despite the fact I’m not even remotely religious, I’ve decided to give up Responsibility for Lent.

Why not? When in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights, might as well do as what Jesus would do, eh?

Why responsibility, you ask?

For starters, responsible people, ever since the beginning of time, have always been getting the short end of the snake. Just ask Eve. (Ba-dum-bum—Ching! I couldn’t resist, which is not a good sign that I’m going to successfully resist responsibility for 40 days.)

If you need more anecdotal evidence that the Responsible are always getting screwed, read “The Book of Ecclesiastes” in the Old Testament. And if you’re still not satisfied and need a more reputable source, I suggest you look up “Responsible People Are Eternally Doomed” on Wikipedia to feed any empirical doubts you may have been harboring. Trust me, it’s there. I should know because I added the entry late last night while the Wiki-Police were off chasing my soon-to-be irresponsible brethren. God I can’t wait for Lent to begin. Oh the Sinful Places I will Go.

Now I’ve been responsible my entire life, maybe too responsible for that matter, but I stared responsibility down the other day for the last time (an epic battle indeed) at a nearby pharmacy while trying to purchase a box of Suphedrine, or what I call Suphadrain, from the certified Pusher behind the counter.

"C'mon and pick a drug. Any drug."

My Local Pusher: "C'mon and pick a drug. Any drug."

This showdown was brought about by the fact that I live in Iowa which has, among several other states, been vying for the celebrated title of “Meth Capital of the World” on the reality show “America’s Top Meth State.” While California has taken an early lead, drawing on its eternal life-line to Mexico for the new and improved Methamphetamines, Iowa is pushing its per capita argument on the judges as homegrown Iowa fans fill the studio audience and initiate a challenge cheer:

We got meth, yes we do;
We got meth, how about you?

The California contingency fires back:

We got the most.
We got the most.

Iowa’s chances of bringing home the Meth Capital title were seriously hindered a few years ago when Gov. Tom Vilsack signed one of the toughest anti-meth laws in the country, which bans over-the-counter sales of anything and everything containing pseudoephedrine, including pseudoephedrine.

As fate would have it my beloved Suphadrain falls into this category, because it contains a key ingredient for meth that had sent Mom and Pop Meth Makers all over town inconspicuously buying large quantities of Suphadrain.

Cashier: Do you know how many boxes of that stuff you have in your cart?

Meth Head: Oh, you mean these? There are only 200 boxes. My sinuses do overwhelm me during these troubled times.

Cashier: I hear you. Trust me, you’re not alone. I’ve had several people in here just today buying 200 to 300 boxes of Suphedrine.

Meth Head: ‘Tis the season.

Cashier: We can’t seem to keep the stuff on the shelves. Have I nice day.

Meth Head: Oh, I will now. Thanks.

Once again, thanks to the irresponsible folks who discovered a cheap way to get high and cut sleeping out of their busy schedules to make time to make more meth, I have to jump through several bureaucratic loopholes to get some sinus relief.

Now I have to go through The Man, Big Brother, to get my Suphadrain fix. After showing one of his Pushers my driver’s license, who enters the information on a computer to make sure I don’t have too many meth-purchasing priors on my record. Worse, I feel like the Pusher is undressing my intentions with his eyes, wondering why I bought the 96-count box, when I could just as easily have bought the 24-count.

Meanwhile the sinus pressure continues to build exponentially in my head as my skull slowly expands to epic Elephantitus portions. It was only then that I truly understood what the Elephant Man must have felt like every day of his life.

This is me perusing impulse buys at the drugstore while waiting for my Suphadrain fix to get filled by the neighborhood Pusher

This is me perusing impulse buys at the drugstore while waiting for my Suphadrain fix to get filled by the neighborhood Pusher: "I am not a Meth Head, I am a human being with a sinus problem."

What our nanny government fails to realize that if there is a will, there is a way. People who have hit rock bottom and need a cheap escape, albeit temporary, will try anything to get high. It won’t be long before we’ll have to go through the same inquisition to buy Suphadrain to buy glue, whipped cream, paint thinner, Depends diapers (don’t ask), perfumes/man juice, and the list of other potential mind-altering drugs goes on.

In the meantime to avoid the hassle and humility of buying Suphadrain from one of The Man’s dealers, I’ve decided to take the cheaper and easier route by cutting out the middle man and going straight to the source. Now I just buy meth from unlicensed dealers and cut out the pseudoephedrine to help ease my overwhelming sinus pressure.

This is me after a quick Suphadrain fix

This is me after a small dose of Suphadrain

I can see myself quickly getting addicted to sticking it to The Man.

2 responses to “Keep your hands off my drugs, Big Brother

  1. I used to get so annoyed by that whole “can’t buy Sudafed off the shelf, you can only buy one box, and you have to go to the pharmacy” thing, but now that I know that we’re shunting those meth dealers off to our neighbors (and possibly even all the way to crazy California currently experiencing a heat wave while we’re happy today to get above zero), I’m alright with it.

  2. I love you! You are hilarious! I hate meth heads and this was really awesome to read! You are GRAND!!!

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