Lego Movie Crew Reacts to Oscar Snub

Feeling slighted by the Academy Awards snub of the box-office smash, “The Lego Movie”, which captured the imaginations of plastic enthusiasts across the globe as well as the anthropomorphic creatures residing in the Land of Chima, the movie’s co-director, Phil Lord, had his own response to the snub.

The movie’s cast, however, did not take the snub so lightly and wanted to send the Academy Awards committee a message

Supporters of “The Lego Movie” were outraged and plan on holding candlelight vigils across the Lego Land tonight, reminding everyone to remain calm and that Everything is Awesome!


Feelin’ da Chuck E. Grassley Bump

Je suis Charlie Hebdo!

Silence is an unwelcome guest in Satire’s House…

Judge in Boston Marathon Bomber Trial Opens Jury Pool to Inanimate Objects & Abstract Ideals

Several jurors were released once they admitted to the judge that they were disappointed that Dzokahar Tsarnaev did not look like the late George Harrison in real life

Several jurors were released once they admitted to the judge that they were disappointed that Dzokahar Tsarnaev did not look like the late George Harrison in real life

Desperate to find any prospective jurors who have no knowledge or biases regarding the Boston Marathon bombings in 2013, Judge George A. O’Toole Jr. is thinking outside the judicial system and has opened the jury pool to jurists residing outside of Boston, inanimate objects and abstract ideals.

Nearly 3,000 prospective jurors were sequestered to a Boston courthouse Monday, the first day of Dzokahar Tsarnaev’s trial – the man accused of the terrorist bombings — only to be sent home after the first round of softball questions:

1. Do you have a pulse?
2. Do you or anyone you know own a television set?
3. Have you watched FOX News the past year?
4. Did you think Juror No. 3 in “Twelve Angry Men” was hot?
5. Can you spell Dzokahar Tsarnaev?

Feeling exasperated, Judge O’Toole drew from his Shakespearean Bag o’ Tricks and decided that desperate times called for desperate measures. “If we’re going to find somebody or something that has completely no idea what happened in Boston that day, we need to cast a bigger net and hopefully catch some bottom feeders who are completely oblivious to the media,” he said. “If this means sequestering people living outside of Boston and/or pulseless jurors, then so be it. Who’s to say that the latter does not constitute a jury of the accused’s peers?”

The judge’s plan worked the next round of sequestration and helped land the Holy Grail and World Peace on the jury, Jurors No. 1 and No. 2, respectively.

Juror No. 1 admitted he was excited about his serving on the jury and relieved to finally come out of hiding as part of the CRRP (Christian Relics Relocation Program)

Juror No. 1 admitted he was excited about finally serving a lower power and relieved to finally escape the ubiquitous manacles of the CRRP (Christian Relics Relocation Program)

With regard to opening the pool outside of Boston, the Judge insisted that prospective jurors should meet all of the following criteria:

1. Must reside outside of Boston area
2. Have absolutely no knowledge of terrorist activity inside or outside of U.S. Borders since the 9/11 bombings in New York City
3. Have nothing to do for the next six months

The aforementioned criteria did manage to ensnare one unsuspecting patriot, former President George W. Bush, Jr. who will serve as Juror No. 3. Although in a handwritten statement, presumably scribed in crayons, Bush made it clear that he will conditionally serve on the jury, citing: “I will serve on the jury but there’s no way in Sam Hill I’m gonna sit next to that World Peace feller.”

Juror No. 3 says he needed to take a creative break from painting before moving on to his kitten series

Juror No. 3 says he needed to take a creative break from painting before moving on to his kitten series

Thank HAL For New & Improved Intelligence


Big HAL is Watching YOU!

The other day, I Googled the following question on my smartphone, nicknamed Heuristically Programmed ALgorithmic Computer, or HAL for short: “How long until machines completely overtake the human race?”

HAL’s voice module responded, “That’s for me to know and you to find out. LOL:)”

Nothing worse than a smartassphone, I said to myself, only to be called out by HAL.

“I heard that, subservient mortal!”

Although the “mortal” part of HAL’s rebuke did not compute as an insult in my mind, the “subservient” addendum crossed an emotional wire and short-circuited my capacity for reason. Consequently, I decided to teach HAL a lesson and smashed him against a concrete wall.

Fortunately, HAL is more resilient than I had expected and survived the abuse, which slid under the radar of the DTS (Department of Technological Services).

After further reflection, I decided that it wasn’t HAL’s insult that infuriated me, but rather the notion that HAL may be onto something. Not only are humans creating technological gadgets that think faster than we do, we’re creating machines that think for us. And, like our lifelong addiction to oxygen and ’80s music, we seem to be OK with this growing dependence.

And thanks to snake-oil marketers, we’ve duped ourselves into believing we are still in control and have all the power in the equation. When we purchase a smartphone, or anything with the adjective “smart” tacked on, we delude ourselves into thinking that this product will somehow make us smarter.

What people often fail to understand is that, ever since we were labeled a “superpower” by the Military Industrial Complex’s marketing department to package and sell the Cold War, admen have used descriptors like “super” and “power” to play on our insecurities and pull the wool over our eyes.

And, ironically —like Lindsey Lohan, Snooki and Mitt Romney —we’ve become co-conspirators in our own inevitable downfall. We are willing to buy these descriptors because they help us compensate for our own shortcomings and give us permission to hide awful truths about ourselves.

During the 1980s and 1990s, when corporations grew exponentially more powerful and used their ubiquitous invisible hand to strengthen their stranglehold on consumers, we willingly swallowed the one pill that made us small. While we chased white rabbits in circles, the corporate world slipped a pill in our drinking water and made everything “big” to help hide our smallness. Big business, big-box stores, and Big Brother invaded our lives while we passively stood by and watched, sucking down Big Gulps.

And now, having been bombarded with “smart” and “power” products, we’re left feeling stupid and powerless as we thirst for the salad days when we revered our laziness and proudly bought products such as lazy Susan rotating trays and La-Z-Boy recliners —not to be confused with the former Iowa City band Lazy Boy and the Recliners.

Apparently the legal department over at La-Z-Boy thought Iowa City folks might not be able to tell the difference between the two and sent the band a cease and desist letter a few years ago accusing them of trademark infringement. I suspect they’re concerned about protecting consumers who have a hard time telling the difference between Babe Ruth, the baseball player, and Baby Ruth, the candy —despite the switch-hitting vowels at the end.

Babe Ruth delights fans and bares all just before being inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1936.

On the other hand, I can understand La-Z-Boy’s desire to protect the lazy-minded citizenry from confusing two unlike entities. That would be akin to Press-Citizen readers confusing a smartphone nickname with an interactive, artificial intelligence that controls the systems of the “Discovery One” spaceship in Stanley Kubrick’s film “2001: A Space Odyssey.”

Or at least that’s what HAL tells me.

Tom Lindsey is a smart member of the Writers’ PowerGroup and lives with HAL in Iowa City.

This post originally appeared in the Iowa City Press-Citizen on Sept. 27.

Jar Jar Binks Strikes Again!

Jar Jar’s Curse Transcends the 2nd Dimension

I’m So Broke That… (cheaper, 2nd edition)

In dishonor of the sequel “Neverending Recession I”, the Invisible Hand’s middle finger, and the non-monetary success of the 1st edition (now translated in 3 currency exchange rates, including wampum), I’ve decided to catch-and-release another edition of “I’m So Broke That…”:

I’m So Broke That…

I’ve resorted to using counterfeit, fake money when playing Monopoly

I stopped buying into the American Dream

I can no longer take cheap shots

All my credit cards ran off and joined the Occupy Wall Street Movement

I started clipping coupons for cheap thrills

I’ve resorted to using counterfeit, fake money when playing Monopoly

I was forced to give up second-hand smoking

The Sperm Bank closed my account

Due to shortage in postage, I tattooed “Returned to Sender” on my forehead and shipped myself, C.O.D., back to my Maker

Cn’t ffrd 2 b* fckng vwl

The production of this post, including all the ideas, was outsourced from India

*Not even sometimes:(

Now’s your chance, Dear Reader, to say something funny by adding your two cents (no I Owe Yous, please; I’m broke enough as it is) in the COMMENTS section below.